I know a man whose wife “cheated” on him several times in the course of their marriage. The marriage produced four children; he knew they were not biologically his children, but he cared for them with all his heart. I met him when he was in his seventies, the children had all grown up, gotten married, and produced grandchildren for him.
We were discussing the case of another man who did a DNA test, discovered that none of his children were his, and hanged himself. The men listened to me as I outlined all the logical things the man could have done rather than commit suicide. This man then turned to me and said, “Brother Gbenga, let me share something with you…”
He said he married his wife when he was 30; he had been married three times before marrying her, and the marriages didn’t produce any children. He said this prompted him to travel to the United Kingdom for tests, and they told him he was sterile. He said the news devastated him as he was the only child of his mother. He said he would have committed suicide, but he kept thinking of what this would do to his mother, especially because of his wealth and the family members who he was sure would do and undo as regards his properties if he should die at that time.
He was a businessman who owned tire depots all over his country, and money was the least of his problems. He, however, said his lack of children had prompted many people to spread rumors that the source of his wealth was diabolical. He said even his friends at the time would joke about it in his presence when they met at the business club for drinks. They gave him a nickname, FOMSOW! Full meaning (Fomosowo) meaning “One who used his ability to make babies for money”
He said he never knew the meaning until one day when he had a bitter fight with another businessman in the club, and out of spite, the other businessman said it to his face.
“We call you FOMSOW, and you smile, you fool, you don’t know your secret is evident to all of us. You have used your unborn children for a money ritual!”
He said he wept bitterly that day, and instead of driving home, he went straight to his mother’s house and told her his inability to have children had brought him too much shame.
His mother saw how distraught he was and knew he was contemplating suicide or relocating abroad. Even though he said neither thought out loud, their previous conversations and his mother’s pleas that he should not leave her alone and run abroad stirred up in his mother’s heart.
His mother then told him that she would find him a good wife who would bear him children. A month later, his mother came to his wife with a young 23-year-old lady who had just finished from Secretarial school. He said the lady was the best gift his mother gave him. He married her, and they were happy together.
Three months after the marriage, she tested positive for pregnancy. He said he was shocked!
She never misbehaved, left the house at odd times, and she never looked at another man or had any form of communication with another man while she was with him. He said he was sure the child was his, without any doubt, but…
He said he crossed his fingers and waited every day to see if a man would suddenly come out of the blue and lay claim to the child. When he got tired of the suspense, he built another house in another city, and they moved there.
He said he did this with the hope that whoever might want to come and claim the baby would not be able to trace them.
He said the birth of the child took away his shame. His friends stopped calling him that name, with the one he fought with publicly apologizing at his 32nd birthday for being so mean to him.
He didn’t want any scandal that would bring back the days of shame.
His wife got pregnant again when the first child clocked two, and again he could see no sign of cheating.
She had no friends whom she visited, or any religious gathering she went to, or any suspicious behavior in any way. She gave birth to another boy
By the time he was forty years old, she had given birth to four children. There was no scandal, and they all behaved very well. He said that when he turned sixty and the children had all graduated and were in the university, his mother took ill, and he went to see her in the hospital. His mother was ninety-four years old by this time.
He said his mother told him that he must promise to love and honour his wife and not to embarrass or shame her in any way after her death. He said he asked his mother what she was talking about.
He and his wife had no fights, and the marriage was the best aspect of his adult life.
His mother said his wife had come to see her to make her talk to him because she was afraid, he might change towards her after his death.
“Why would I change towards my wife?” He asked his mother.
His mother told him that his wife found a way to manage his childlessness with understanding in order to wipe away his shame. His mother said she was in the know about this and she approved of it. It was his mother who found the “sperm donors” who came to meet with his wife in her house whenever the wife was ready to get pregnant.
The mother said she selected students from a technical school close to their house who looked like him.
“I draw them close, talk to them as their landlady and tell them that I have a daughter I would like them to befriend. After a few talks here and there, I will invite your wife over. The young man will see her, and they will talk for a while before he tries kissing her or touching her as his babe.
Your wife will give in, and they will have sex. Then she will return home to you and deliver her baby in due time. I did this with four different boys who later graduated and went on with their lives without looking back.
To them, they just had sex with a lady, and they didn’t hear from her again. I did this to cover our shame.”
He said he fell on his knees in gratitude to his mother. What a woman.
He said that after his mother died, he never raised the issue with his wife.
His children and grandchildren are bearing his name and making him proud all over the world.
He then turned to me and said, “We are not all the same and should not measure our circumstances as if they were the same. I have seen a man who got married to a pregnant woman with the knowledge that she was pregnant, I have seen a man marry a woman with many children while he was single, I have seen women marry men with wives and children at their homes willingly and joyfully.
In today’s world, there is this feistiness and lack of discretion that I see among the young men and women of today, which makes reasonable adjustments like my own almost impossible in today’s world.
I am grateful for the sacrifice my wife made in order to make me a father and to become a mother herself.
If she didn’t do that, the marriage would have ended somehow due to a lack of children.
We both know this, and I cannot say I will still be alive or in this country if I had to bear that shame beyond that time.
My wife never raised the topic with me directly, as far as she was concerned, it was only between her and my mother.
She never insulted me or argued with me as I made decisions about the children or disciplined them.
I am their father, and I am also her husband.
PS: It is obvious that this man might not be this grateful and accommodating if he had the ability to produce his own children, but his wife decided to cheat on him and then pinned the children of another man on him to raise.
Many women would rather leave the man than accept the solution his mother offered her in secret
I wonder how the mother discussed it with her, knowing the discussion may go south.
I also wonder how she kept her cool and allowed her husband to raise the children his own way, without using his situation to react to him at any time.
I know a lady whose husband returned from a journey and met her having morning sickness. The husband had been away for three months, and he knew the pregnancy was most likely not his own. Mathematics just didn’t make sense, but he didn’t accuse his wife.
He supported her and nursed her to health until she delivered the baby. After the delivery, the man saw that the baby looked more like their landlord than him.
It was very obvious. He kept quiet until they were ready to name the baby, then on the day of the naming, he saw the landlord killing a cow and inviting many people for the naming ceremony. He said he asked his wife why she didn’t tell him the truth all along. She said he was the one who assumed the baby was his, and she never told him the baby was his.
It was a matter that could have been handled better by both the landlord and this woman, but how they went about it led to violence. The landlord today is dead, the baby is dead, and the young man is in prison for life.
Imagine that when he got home from the journey, he didn’t meet her at his house, only to later discover she had moved in with the landlord or had been put in another house by the landlord.
Imagine that when he met her at home, she didn’t take advantage of him in any way or continue to sleep with him.
Imagine she told him the truth, as difficult as that may be, or that she moved out of the house after he returned from his journey.
WE MUST ALL KNOW “A MAN OR A WOMAN” and treat them according to their peculiarity. The choice to have a baby and the choice of who to have the baby with belong to the woman. The choice of raising a baby and who to raise it with belongs to the man. No one should take away that choice out of selfishness. This is what leads to a crisis every time.
–GSW–