Have you ever found yourself in the presence of someone who makes you feel like you are never right about anything? This set of humans never offer any tangible options either. Their only game is to leave you mentally drained and feeling depressed about just everything. Even when you could find no reasons to feel so bad about yourself and your actions. They exist in almost every environment; within the family, workplace, and religious gatherings.
In this article, you will discover how to spot them and avoid their manipulative behaviors.
Common traits of all toxic people:
They have a tendency to create drama or conflict, signs of manipulation, and other emotional abuse. They are very dishonest and deceitful, self-absorption or self-centeredness, gossips, rumor-mongering, pretending to be your friend just to get insider gist about your life so they can feel they are better than you, they are never ready to be compassionate towards others, envious attitudes, they make you feel guilty for not yielding to their manipulations, always playing the victim, they are very defensive in almost every matter that concerns them, they are never reasonable or fair in their thinking. They will do anything to get you to do what they want. They trade on emotion, always milking emotions as a manipulation tool. Toxic people love negative attention, they never let any opportunity to embarrass you or tell people negative things about you slide. Toxic people are always gathering evidence against the person they claim they love, you will see a folder on their phone, on their laptop, and also in their mind where they store dates, times, what happened, how it happened, what you did to offend them, etc. If a toxic person did anything to hurt you, he or she will have an excuse for it and surely you will be right at the center of it as the reason they did something to hurt you. Toxic people always pretend to care about you, while deep down they are scheming and plotting evil against you.
Let me give you two examples,
Example 1: A wife searches through the phone of her husband, she sees some communications she did not understand. She screen grabs them and forwards them to her own phone. She goes ahead and cooks for her husband, kisses him, and makes love to him. The next day at a family function, she begins to cry for no reason, family members surround her asking her what is wrong. She brings out her phone and claims her partner is cheating or doing something untoward. Everybody turns to the partner, he explains and it turns out he was not cheating. Wife says “He has not been carrying me along, this was why I checked his phone and jumped to the wrong conclusions. It is not my fault, if he had been carrying me along, I would have known what was going on”.
Example 2: A relationship is over, both partners in the relationship were hurt but they agree parting ways is in the best interest of the two of them. One partner nurses his wound with grace, trying to preserve mutual respect, dignity, and friendship. The other partner goes on a destructive streak, telling stories (real, true, imagined, outright lies and assumptions) about the person he or she just broke up with, trying to paint himself or herself as a saint while labelling the other partner as the devil, praying that the other partner meets with a mishap, curses the other partner, while claiming he or she was doing so because his or heart is broken. Shares text messages, WhatsApp messages, voice recordings, pictures, etc. of the other partner in a bad light to people to discredit the other partner. Rejoices at the downfall of the other partner or seriously works at engineering the downfall of the other partner. Toxic people can be manipulative and spread unhappiness and personal suffering to others. Have you ever wondered why you attract toxic people? Whether it’s toxic friendships or romantic relationships you seem to always find yourself in the midst of people who hurt you. You may have thought that it is by chance or that you’re unlucky for meeting such people. You may have even thought that toxic people just simply gravitate towards you. While these reasons may be probable, have you ever considered that quite possibly your own behavior is attracting toxic people?
Why Do People Become Toxic? It’s important to understand that a toxic person’s behavior has nothing to do with you unless you enable it. A toxic person is oftentimes struggling internally and is projecting their hurt onto others. This can oftentimes be traced back to negative childhood experiences and unresolved trauma that the person has not yet come to terms with. It’s likely that a person who is demonstrating toxic behavior is behaving in a certain way because they have not been able to address their unresolved trauma or take accountability for their emotions, behaviors, and ongoing life problems. This doesn’t mean that this person’s hurtful and damaging behavior is justified, but it can explain why they are the way they are.
What Are The Characteristics Of A Toxic Person? In order to stop attracting toxic people, it is essential that you begin to recognize the signs of a toxic person so you can protect yourself and create boundaries to support your own mental and physical well-being. As I was writing this blog post, I asked a few people if they could describe to me traits of a toxic person based on their own experiences. I have kept their identities private, and have included just their gender and age for reference. As you read this, take some time to reflect on your own life and see if you can identify your toxic relationships, behaviors, and situations. “Emotionally manipulative people make you feel special then use it against you later”. Selfish people who judge everything that you do. They act like they are better than everyone else and try to “one-up” you. They constantly lie and pretend to be something that they are not. They’ll talk about you behind your back and aren’t trustworthy. “Self-confident, self-centered, and their opinions/ thoughts are superior to you and other people”. Selfish, Poor control of emotions or self-control. It’s kind of hard to see because I am attracted to confident people because, in my opinion, it can represent strength…but it’s a fine line when confidence turns into superiority above others. So superiority in all chapters of a person’s character can be very toxic.” “Manipulative, plays the victim, acts in self-advantageous ways even if they hurt other people, lacks empathy, and is controlling.” “To me, toxic people are people who drain your energy but don’t give you anything in return (emotionally, financially, in acts of service). I don’t do things expecting something in return but it’s exhausting to give and give and not have some reciprocity. I also think toxic people are people who don’t respect your boundaries. If you tell someone no, that should be enough. But some people keep pushing and pushing and you realize it’s all about them and has very little to do with their care or concern for you.” “Someone who is only friends with people who benefit them in some way, basically just use other people.” “A person who acts on double standards, doesn’t want you doing it, but will do it themselves. Not wanting to be with you but won’t leave you alone to move on.” “People who constantly need validation or have an overly jealous, pessimistic or negative outlook on life, and people who you can’t get a straight answer out of them and constantly embellish everything that comes out of their mouth so you don’t know what to believe.” All the ones I’ve dated have been extremely charming at first. So much so that the little red flags they gave off during that time were missed usually. Looking back on it I feel so silly for not catching that and running. It’s like a Trojan horse tactic to also get you to open up about yourself so they can attack later with those very things you mentioned. Backhanded compliments are a big one I experienced, as well as a ton of intermittent reward patterns. They all do it. One was obsessive/protective over me but still made me feel destroyed about my self-esteem. The other acted passive and nonchalant…which also destroyed my self-esteem. It’s quite amazing what people can do.”
WHY DO WE ATTRACT TOXIC PEOPLE?
Here is my reasoning: We attract what we think we deserve and we accept what we think we deserve. What we believe we deserve oftentimes originates in early childhood. Reflect on your relationship history and identify the patterns. As soon as we are born, we form attachments to those around us to survive and throughout our formative years, we become aware of our attachment with our primary caregivers. We recreate patterns from Childhood depending on what our attachment looked like with our primary caregivers in our formative years can strongly influence what our attachment patterns will look like with others when we are adults. Oftentimes these patterns we’ve created from childhood persist into adulthood; however, the difference now is that it’s happening with others and not our primary caregivers.
Nonetheless, if you’re attracting people who are toxic, emotionally unavailable, or who need “fixing” then it is likely you are recreating these patterns subconsciously. “We live in the past yet it is dead. If we live the way we have lived until now, the future will be the same as the past. Work on yourselves, change something about yourself in the present, then the future may be different.” We want to Save the World. The term Saviour Complex does not appear in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), because it is not a clinical term nor a diagnosable disorder. It’s merely a mental state. It is a psychological construct of our own making which causes one to feel compelled to save or solve other people’s problems. This type of person telegraphs their overwhelming desire to help people and are alert for people who urgently need help. They then offer to solve the problem, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own needs. The savior complex is harmful when it serves as a diversion of focus – so people don’t have to address their own problems. Fortunately, this pattern of thinking can be changed through learning about boundaries and building healthier relational patterns.
A qualified therapist can help you learn when to help and how to wait for someone to request help before stepping in. Why Do I Keep Attracting Toxic Partners? As I mentioned above, the reason you keep attracting toxic partners may be traced back to the signals you’re sending out. These signals can be traced back to childhood and you may be continuing to re-create childhood patterns. Let’s look at a psychological theory to help explain the concept. The way people relate to others and situations in their adult lives is shaped by family experiences during childhood.
Object Relation refers to the dynamic internalized relationships between the self and significant others (objects). Internal “objects” are created during childhood as the child has repeated experiences with their parent(s). This in turn suggests that in healthy development, these mental representations from repeated experiences with parent(s) evolve over time. In unhealthy development, they remain at an incomplete level. The earliest experiences or “internal images” that a person has with their parent(s) can predict how future relationships for this person will be. Seeking toxic relationships to correct negative childhood experiences, can explain why you seem to be attracted to the same kind of negative relationships (romantic and/or non-romantic). If you are continuing to find yourself in a cycle of negative relationships then you may be seeking a corrective emotional experience. Simply put, you may be seeking negative relationships for the purpose of reenacting the negative dynamic in a way that allows you to correct the original negative experience you experienced in childhood.
Do you have a hard time setting boundaries and saying “no?” Toxic people take advantage of people who have poor boundaries. Know deep down that you have needs of your own, assert them, and try not to feel bad about it later. It may be hard but try not to dwell on feeling that you hurt someone when you say, “This is not OK,” or “Here’s what is acceptable to me, and here’s what isn’t.” You owe it to yourself to set limitations in your life to what you will and will not tolerate. That alone will help you filter out some of the toxic people out of your life. Stop Trying to “fix” or “save”. People Toxic people do not respect boundaries and often make you want to fix them and their problems. They want you to feel sorry for them, and responsible for what happens to them. And once you’ve helped them with the problem there’s inevitably another one. Their problems never get solved. Toxic people are also alert for those people with the “Savior Complex.” They constantly want your sympathy and support and will take extreme measures in order to get it. You trying to “fix” or “save” them never works and it’s also not your responsibility. It’s not fair to you to constantly be placed in that position because you most likely care more about what happens to them than they do. Recognize Your Own Toxic. Behaviors Toxic behavior can be easier to recognize in others but very hard to recognize in ourselves. In fact, we can act out these behaviors for most of our adult lives and never realize how we’re wounding those around us – and ourselves, too. An important but overlooked way to stop attracting toxic people is to recognize your own toxic behaviors and work to actively change those behaviors. Detoxify Your Relationships So, how do you stop attracting toxic people and get out of the cycle of negative relationships? Identify and recognize patterns, identify the toxic influences in your life. Once you do that, you can take a closer look at your negative relationships and compare them to your childhood experiences. By doing this, you can start to recognize patterns. Ask yourself the following questions: In this relationship, what does the person do (or doesn’t do) that makes you feel bad about yourself? Then examine your relationship with your parents (or primary caregivers)…which parent has a stronger impact on you? Which one are you closest to? Which one did you have a negative relationship with and why? If it was both, which was worse?
Note: A negative relationship doesn’t have to necessarily mean that you were abused by your parents, it can also mean your parent was: absent, worked a lot, was emotionally unavailable, critical, disengaged, invalidating, mentally unstable, under the influence of drugs/alcohol, etc. Be assertive in order to set healthy boundaries, you have to practice being assertive. Being assertive shows you respect yourself and that you won’t tolerate any B.S. You’re willing to stand up for yourself and express your thoughts and feelings. Being assertive is not to be confused with aggression. When you’re assertive you’re also demonstrating that you’re aware of others’ rights and willing to find a solution to the issue. You’re not belittling or attacking others, which is what being aggressive entails. This can be hard to do if you’re not used to communicating this way. Remind yourself that you deserve to have healthy relationships and that if you don’t set boundaries then toxic people will just continue to disrupt your life.
PS: IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING OR FIND YOURSELF WONDERING ABOUT THE FOLLOWING IN YOUR HEART. YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP: I know I am not a toxic person because I generally prefer people to thrive and do well in my space “I do not want to control anyone, if anything, I like people to be at peace to live their lives on their own terms. Why then do I keep getting people who have deep-seated insecurity issues in my life? Once they get involved with me, they begin to act in a manner that I find to be very concerning. They immediately start trying to control me, set boundaries for me with other people, exhibit serious jealousy and controlling behaviour, and insist “my live and let live” mindset was too lax and weak. They insist if they don’t protect me, others will take advantage of me”. It was always a battle to breathe once they get into their full mode, and I do not treat anyone that way. When I would have almost drowned in their cesspool, I get to escape with my sanity taking a beating but as soon as I got out of it, I found myself diving into another relationship where the person in it would be equally toxic or sometimes even worse .”I have had my WhatsApp linked to laptops just so my messages can be monitored by someone who claimed to love me”. “I have had my email messages read through for evidence of infidelity by someone who claimed to love me” .”I have had my phone messages checked and read through almost every day by someone who claimed to love me”. “I have had someone who claimed to love me send stinkers to contacts on my phone, asking them to keep away from me because I cannot help myself because I am do gooder with a good heart who cannot protect myself or say no to advances by other women in my life”. “I have been embarrassed in public by someone who was convinced I was cheating when I was not”. “I have found my name being traded and dragged around by an ex-lover who had broken up with me but simply cannot move on without dragging my name in the mud a bit just for HIS OR her own good pleasure” .”I have had someone claim she would kill herself if she can’t have me”. “I have had someone cheating on me based on the fact that I am too good and may not end up marrying her because she is not good enough for me”. “I have had someone who claimed to love me, cause me serious bodily harm just because I was on a phone call with a female client for too long”.
Do YOU always end up with damaged people because YOU have a savior complex? DO YOU have a natural instinct to save or heal or change or support people who are emotionally compromised, with the mindset that YOU can help them get better? It was not a strength. It was a weakness. Acknowledge it and make a conscious effort to keep away from such people going forward. Suppose you find yourself swimming in the fake tears of victimhood created by the manipulative mindset of a toxic person. In that case, I counsel you to read the article above and make the decision to get out of the cesspool immediately.
-GSW-