Why People Cheat 1
The relationship is struggling. There is no genuine connection; the couple is together for the sake of the kids or convenience. Often, physical intimacy is no longer present.
Sometimes, someone who cheats in a struggling relationship has a hard time communicating their feelings. Or maybe they have spoken up but feel their partner did not listen. He may use cheating as a way to deal with his anger.
Suppose people aren’t getting their intimacy needs met in a relationship, so they go to the GYM to work out and along comes Chike or Chinyere, a young man or lady who is easy on the eyes and willing to listen. In that case, it is like drinking water when you are severely hydrated.
Sometimes it is a way to cope with hopelessness in a relationship. They may use cheating as a coping mechanism to deal with hurt feelings. Or they may use cheating subconsciously as a last-ditch effort to get their partner to listen to them.
All of these things are unhealthy ways of coping with an unhappy relationship, but many partners choose this option, and it eventually leads to infidelity
Why People Cheat II
Your parents show you how to live. As children, we take in powerful messages that stay with us for the rest of our lives. And there is no bigger message than to see something lived out by example. This is true for the positive things we saw in our parents but also the negative things, like infidelity.
I’ve noticed that this is especially true of children with “cheaters” as parents when it comes to relationships. So if you are a male and you see your father cheating, or a female who saw your mother cheating, this will be a powerful message that this is a way of living, to cope, to solve problems, etc.
Oftentimes, seeing a parent cheat sends powerful messages to their children about the opposite sex. For example: “Women are not to be trusted,” “monogamous relationships are boring and dead,” “a man who respects his wife is weak,” or “have your fun and get yours because soon enough your wife will take advantage of you.”
Often, a person may not even be aware that he or she has these feelings towards men or women in general. This is why it is essential for people who cheat to self-reflect and understand how their views of the opposite gender affect their behavior.
Why People Cheat III
Again, your opposite-sex parent is a window into how the world works. Your relationship with your opposite-sex parent is a representation of men or women. As a man, if you have a strained relationship with your mother, you are likely to subconsciously (or consciously) feel similarly about women as a whole.
The complicated part is that a person may be untrusting of women but still desire the benefits of a romantic relationship.
This plays out very subtly in life. A man might feel that he cannot trust women if his mother has failed him or does not keep her promises. In that way, he may not give his whole self to his wife, reserving parts of himself for other women.
A woman might also have witnessed his father cheating on her mother and make up her mind that no man would ever do that to her while she remained faithful.
Cheating back phenomenon is a product of this kind of background
A man might have been controlled by his mother, so he feels he needs to take control and ensure he is always the dominator. One way to feel in control is to never give one’s whole self to a single woman, and vice versa
Cheating is a way that this may play out.
Why People Cheat IV
Trauma/hurt from a previous relationship
I have seen the sweetest partners who seem to love their significant other, but cheat on their partner time and time again.
What is sometimes uncovered is that they were very devoted to their previous partners and gave her their whole heart. But in the end, he or she cheated and this shattered his or her world.
This trauma damaged this partner. So he or she decided never to let this happen to him again. To protect himself from the hurt he felt, he always had other women around to make sure he would never be this vulnerable again.
Many people in relationships don’t want to face those painful feelings. They want to bury it, build walls around their hearts, and move on. It is only when these feelings erupt into behaviors like cheating that they come for counselling
They need to process those feelings and heal.
When they heal, they can create a new story with their new partner, rather than repeatedly reliving the old one.
Why People Cheat V
Sex addiction refers to excessive sexual thoughts, desires, urges, or behaviors that can’t be controlled and cause distress and harm to your relationships, finances, and other aspects of your life. Sexual addiction is also called hypersexuality, compulsive sexual behavior, and other names.
Oftentimes, sex addiction starts when someone is younger. Maybe someone was exposed to porn at a young age and it became an addiction. That addiction often grows stronger, and the person needs more and more to feed the addiction.
This could be in the form of massage parlours, prostitutes, or multiple affairs. For some people, the porn addiction could lead to fantasies of sex with other people.
My belief is that sex addiction, or any addiction for that matter, comes from a place of pain. And the addictive substance somehow brings powerful relief to that pain. This is a powerful feedback loop for someone who is struggling with depression or trauma.
It will be important for someone with a sex addiction to be willing to admit it.
People with an actual sex addiction will need sex addiction treatment.
The partner of such a person may say “I can take it, he or she should be sleeping with me alone as many times as he or she wanted” but an addict is never satisfied and no partner can truly satisfy him or her.
Cheating then becomes the option available by the addict in order to meet his or her needs
The Thrill of the Chase
Why People Cheat VI
The thrill of seeking a partner, the highs of being desired and chased, or being the chaser, can be exhilarating.
Once you have found your partner and things have settled down, however, all of that inevitably fades as you grow deeper in your relationship. Things become more familiar, and the excitement begins to fade.
Some people miss the feeling of being desired, the sense of the chase. Often, they wonder if they still have it and want to prove to themselves that they are still attractive.
They will seek out these relationships to gain attention and feel desirable. Often, these people either have deep insecurities about their attractiveness, or their identity is wrapped up around their desirability from the opposite sex (maybe they are used to the attention, and it was their main sense of worthiness).
This is where it is essential:
To have realistic expectations about long-term relationships — that the exciting infatuation stage almost always fades when the relationship deepens (and this is not a bad thing),
To make sure you are growing together and experiencing exciting things together, and
You are both showing each other your attraction.
Why People Cheat VII
Narcissism
This is something I will come across from time to time, and I’m glad that it is more the exception than the norm. Working with narcissists in my opinion is the very difficult.
Narcissists by nature lack empathy and will use their partners for their own gain. They oftentimes do not care about how their partner feels unless it relates to their own desires or goals. Therefore there is nothing stopping a narcissist from cheating unless it would be detrimental to their own needs. These types of cheaters are the most dangerous because they often do not have any remorse.
I believe that Narcissism runs on a continuum, so there are some who can be helped. However, on the higher end of the spectrum, they will not change.
Why People Cheat VIII
High achievers who love to conquer are often very successful in life. They have conquered in the career aspect, so conquering many women (or men!) just goes with the territory. They receive a high from conquering.
People in power often have access to individuals who are willing to engage in affairs (such as sports figures and politicians), and they also have people who are eager to have affairs in exchange.
When an interviewer asked Bill Clinton why do men want mistresses, his answer was so poignant. He said, “Because I could.” He was in a position of power and had many people willing to sleep with him.
Research shows that men with higher testosterone levels tend to exhibit more cheating behavior. They also exhibit more risk-taking behavior and seek more positions of power. So my take is that power and cheating are correlated because of the accessibility of women to men who have power, but also just the hormonal makeup of men who tend to seek and achieve places of power.
On a biological level, people who are more prone to infidelity may be driven by an upsurge in pleasure chemicals like dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin. Those who are more extroverted may be more likely to cheat because they thrive on new social connections.
Why People Cheat IX
Sometimes people have affairs because there is an identity they want to explore. She talks about a woman who had a good marriage and a promising career, who cheated on her husband, who was an arborist, covered in tattoos; they’d have sex in cars or movie theaters.
She was always the “good girl” and very rule-abiding. She loved the idea of being a “bad girl” and having sex in places where she could get caught.
In this case, the affair was about exploring a suppressed identity.
Many people don’t understand that we all have different parts of our identity, and sometimes people want to express other parts of themselves that might not be met in their relationship.
Why People Cheat X
Lack of sexual chemistry is a huge reason people cheat. Often, the person who cheats will say they felt like a friend, roommate, or business partner rather than a lover in their relationship. They want to feel wanted and desired sexually.
They also want to experience variety and novelty in sex. Sometimes, they are seeking that in an affair.
The problem with this is that sex outside of the relationship is often shrouded in secrecy, shame, and guilt. This can damage the relationship in multiple ways.
Why People Cheat XI
Technology has created an easy way for people to cheat. People meet on apps or sites designed to facilitate affairs or hookups. People spend a significant amount of time on social media, and there are opportunities to connect with individuals they would never have met otherwise.
Sometimes, the temptation is just there.
In the past, opportunities were more limited. Now it is everywhere.
Why People Cheat XII
Sometimes, people cheat because the culture around them enables or excuses cheating behavior.
In some circles, it is almost expected or even a status symbol for men or women to have multiple partners. This can be in the form of “boys will be boys” or “baddie” mentality or the idea that men need to prove their masculinity and the ladies need to prove their ability to control men through sexual conquests.
In locker room talk or peer groups where infidelity is normalized, such partners may begin internalizing the idea that it’s natural or expected
In these cases, social pressure may push partners to cheat, or they may not see the behavior as wrong.
Why People Cheat XIII
Sarah once had an affair and nearly divorced her husband because she fell back in love with her high school sweetheart and even pushed her husband to his knees, begging.
I ‘scolded’ her back into her marriage — though really, most of the credit goes to her husband, who chose to forget and forgive her.
Sarah says: “Women don’t cheat because they’re in love — it’s mostly about loneliness and isolation.
I was at home with the kids while my husband was busy building his business, and I felt incredibly alone.
You know how it is — women go through this empty period after having kids, plus my husband was never around. I started chatting more with my ex-boyfriend, and he was still as charming as ever, checking in on me every day.
That warmth I hadn’t felt in so long came rushing back — at first just warmth, not love.
“One day, he offered to pick me up for a movie, and I was touched. I left the kids with their grandmother and spent the day with him, rediscovering that carefree feeling from our youth. That night, I lied to my mother-in-law, saying I was staying at a friend’s house, and spent the night with him at a hotel.
After that, I felt like I was falling in love with him again. I believed his promises, I believed he could make me happy — I believed everything he told me.
“Maybe cheating isn’t really a woman’s intention — it’s those uncontrollable feelings that take over, and before you know it, you’ve crossed the line.
Of course, my husband not being around much was part of it. I felt lonely and needed something to fill that void, and he happened to be the right person at the right time.
“I believe most women who cheat don’t actually want to divorce — they just want to experience that romance and excitement. But later, real feelings develop, and they can’t control themselves anymore.
Women are picky about love. Once we fall for someone new, we tend to forget our old love — even if he’s our husband.
“The reasons for cheating are as complicated as love itself. Maybe the only words to explain it are ‘selfishness’, ‘circumstance’, or ‘temporary insanity’. Once a woman becomes dependent on that ‘different kind of connection’, there’s no room left in her heart for her husband.”
A man on the other hand could cheat and still retain his love for his wife (I have seen and read a lot about this) but that is not how it works for women.
This is why women fall out of love with their husbands once they start cheating. They may stay with him for the sake of the kids, provision, money, status or fear but the love is gone and if they have the power to leave they would gladly do so.
Moving Forward: Can People Stop Cheating?
Understanding why people cheat is simply the first step.
Change is feasible when people are willing to self-reflect and take responsibility for their conduct.
Cheating is often a symptom of deeper troubles that need to be addressed.