I moved to the US in 2009 on a visitor’s visa, and my wife, whom I met online after arriving in the US, has been a solid backbone, huge help in my life.

I started talking to her sometime around maybe April or May or something like that in 2009, and we finally met in July or September 2009, one-on-one. To cut a long story short, we got married in 2010

Trying to get a job was very difficult for me at the time because I didn’t have the right documentation, but through her help and encouragement, I got a job in a supermarket, and I was there for almost a year or thereabout.

During that period, she had filed for me, and the following year, which was 2011, in April 2011, I got my paper, which was approximately, I think, about nine months after she had filed for me.

So, I got my papers, my working paper, and I got a job in a pharmacy, a big pharmacy, and she was there for me. She would drive me to work, and when she closes for work, she’ll come pick me up.

By the way, my wife is seven years older than I am, and it has never been a problem for me, you know, it has always been fine for me. The respect has always been mutual.

But along the line of marriage, we were trying to conceive, we decided to go see a doctor, and several tests were done, and they found out that my wife had Endometrial cancer.

We had two options: it was either they took out the whole, I think, the uterus, a large portion of the fallopian tubes and the rest, or we, she, we decided to go for chemotherapy or hormonal therapy treatment for a short period of time, just so to see if it can be controlled and also to see if she could still conceive

That news broke my heart. I was at work when she told me. I cried because I’ve always wanted to be a father, and the one thing that I wanted, the one thing that she also wanted, has been taken away from her.

We didn’t know where the problem came from. She had issues with her menstrual flow, but we didn’t know if this was the issue, and it broke our hearts.

We did hormonal treatment for six months. She had a D&C where the womb was scraped, the endometrium lining was scraped, and every cancerous cell, as much as they could find, was scraped, you know, just so they could prepare her for conception.

So, we went ahead, and after a while, we did everything we could do, we tried IVF, the first cycle failed, and after one year, you know, the doctor who was treating us became uncomfortable because normally, the treatment is supposed to be for six months, like a temporary fix, before you could go ahead and now do the surgery to take out those organs.

But here we were for one year now, so he was like it was like we were risking my wife’s life, and he decided to refer us because he was like, “My hand no dey again,” you know, so he decided to refer us to somebody else who was willing to pick up the case and take the risks

The lady decided there was nothing else to do but take out the cancerous organs before the cancer spreads or before the cancer kills my wife

So, we decided to go for the operation.

So, they took out her womb and a couple of other organs and left the ovaries there.

Ever since then, my wife has felt like her womanhood had been taken away from her, which is the truth, you know, the ability to carry a child was taken away from her.

This happened in December 2013, and in that same December 2013, we bought a house here.

That was four years after I arrived in the US. I had bought a big house because we were planning on starting a family. We were very hopeful, we had also bought a very big car for my wife in anticipation of the coming of the babies, while I drove the other smaller car

I came to Nigeria a few months later because I landed a big job, but I continued my job with the USA firm remotely.

I negotiated with my previous employer, I said, you know, okay, you know what, pending on when you guys get somebody, maybe I could work part-time, if that’s fine with you. So, I later worked part-time, while I had my full-time job, so I could do like three or four hours depending every day when I came home.

So, money wasn’t a big issue for us.

We were able to pay our mortgages and everything.

I came to Nigeria in 2013. The pharmacy decided to let me go, and that really affected our finances because our mortgage was drastically increased, and the property tax increased

So we had a lot of debt to pay. My wife, after the surgery, was at home for like three months, so she didn’t go to work. So, all the bills were on me, and we had about, we had two of our nieces that were staying with us, so everything was on me.

So, we started to use the credit card, and the bills kept ballooning, you know, the debts kept ballooning, you know, and it became very difficult

We started to quarrel because, of the financial pressure here, and the fact that she was depressed, and I was also going through my own phase, I was also depressed, you know, and I tried as much as possible to encourage her, like, you know, be there for her, but it wasn’t as much as she would have expected because I was going through my own phase. We had never gone; none of us had ever gone through that kind of thing before.

Somehow, about that time, she reconnected with an ex, who is from Haiti, and they decided to talk. She would tell me she was going to see one of her friends, but she was sneaking off to be with this guy

In fairness, we had started to quarrel over the financial matters and everything, because I felt we should reduce how we were spending, and one issue led to another issue

In 2014, I started noticing several changes in her, and I decided to do a little bit of digging around, and I found out that she was having an affair with her ex.

She had been having an affair for seven months with her ex, and sometimes, some of the trips that she would take, that she’s going to see her friend, celebrate her birthday with her childhood friend, or maybe her colleagues are going for a casino or somewhere, or they are going for one or two things, like a concert or something, I found out that a lot of times, this guy was always there. Most likely, she would talk to him, and they would decide to link up in that place or something.

So, it broke my heart, while I was in the house, because I’m not really the outgoing type of person, and my wife is this kind of person who was in the entertainment world. So, she managed all these musicians and everything. So, she was, you know, out very, she’s very outgoing.

While I was more or less like the opposite, and another reason why it became difficult going out, in my perspective, was because of the financial aspect, but she, she was like, you know, we only live once, you know, we can’t be working, working, working, working, and not take time to enjoy ourselves and all that.

I had my mistakes, don’t, don’t get me wrong. So, I’ve made my own mistakes, my own share of mistakes. I’m not a saint here. I’ve done my, I’ve made mistakes. She also made her mistakes, but in the midst of all this, even when she was undergoing that hormonal treatment for like a year or so, my wife changed.

It was as if the drugs turned off like a switch, just went, just somebody just switched off her emotions.

Even if we’re watching TV, and my wife sees two adults kissing on TV, it irritates her. It makes her feel so irritated. Not to talk of me touching her, like she couldn’t stand it. It was that bad. That was what the drugs did to her. But I was faithful. I’ve been, I was faithful all through. I have not done any nonsense with anybody since I came to Nigeria. I know I was still with her, because this is something that we decided to go through. We didn’t plan for this. It’s something that just happened. That’s life.

As I said, maybe I didn’t do as much as I was supposed to have done. Maybe I’m learning, and I learned.

The bottom line is, she had an affair with this guy, and when I confronted her, she denied it, but she later owned up to it. It really broke me.

I had never been heartbroken before.

That was my first time in 2014, and it changed something in me. It changed something in me, and ever since 2014 up till now, it’s been a struggle, because the woman whom I trusted, and I was willing to sacrifice all for, I could not see her from that aspect anymore. I saw something else. I was seeing somebody else.

But even though I tried, and we even, I even suggested therapy, she didn’t want to go for therapy, you know, and a lot happened along the way.

One month later, I checked her phone, and I saw that she was texting this guy, telling him that she missed him, and I’m like, even after everything that we had just gone through, you’re still texting this guy? Like, what’s wrong with you?

And I kind of knew that something was wrong somewhere, that this wasn’t just like a one-time thing,

People say, oh, I had a one-night stand. I met with this person, we had sex, and that was it. But this was a full-blown relationship that went on for seven months, and God knows how long it would have gone on, because this guy was telling her to leave me.

And this was somebody that she knew before she met me. If he was willing to marry her, he would have married her, but he never, he never wanted to marry. He wasn’t ready.

So, now that she’s married, now you’re coming back, telling her, leave him alone, come and be with me.

My wife could not stop thinking about this man

Like, she was going crazy. It was like she couldn’t control herself.

In 2015, after a period of ten months, I noticed that her movement became more stable and everything was getting back to how it used to be.

I was starting to trust my wife again, because I didn’t tell anybody what had happened, because I felt it was better to keep it within and work it out among ourselves

I guess that was the biggest, maybe mistake I made, because it kept eating at me on the inside. I was dying slowly.

Then I noticed that the cycle started again. She had started going out, and it started becoming worse, because we had agreed that we had to, like, start hustling now.

We had debts to pay and everything. We have to grind and do everything possible.

So, she would tell me, oh, she was going to work with her cousins up north, and she was trying to do things, do this, do that.

Even though I felt they were in the mix of all that, they were trying to like build businesses or something. But in the midst of that, I had a conviction that the cheating had started again, that something wrong was going on somewhere. Even though I could not really put a finger on it, I felt in my bones that something had started happening again.

So, it continued, and I decided to investigate again. And I found out again that she was having a relationship with another person

At that point, I literally checked out of the relationship.

We’re still together, though. She doesn’t know that I know about this current thing, what’s going on right now. She doesn’t know that I’m aware of the situation because her birthday was just, I think three weeks ago, was her birthday.

I didn’t have money, I did what I could do, I gave her a little bit of money to make her hair and everything. And her birthday was on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, or so.

She went out, and she was with some guy, and she came back on Sunday, said she was going to be with her friends to celebrate her birthday. She came back, and it was from the discussion and everything that happened between her and this guy, his name is Garvin, that I discovered they had a big quarrel that I think involved the police, or somehow the police were called, or something, something happened, but they had a big quarrel.

So, she came back home on Sunday, and she had an attitude with me, and we kind of had like, it’s like a quarrel, like, and I’m like, why are you, why are you talking like this? Like, what’s my own with this situation? Why are you transferring like anger or something, you know? So, she came back and apologized, and said that she wants to be with the one that she knows really loves her, which is me, and this and that.

I found out that she and the guy had broken up. I can’t be a spare tyre. I know my value, I know my worth.

My issue is, my wife is not in the very best of health; she obviously needs somebody to take care of her, and she needs somebody to make her feel loved. But all the while, this was going on, how can I make her feel like she’s loved?

I love my wife, no doubt, so much, but I also know the fact that something is wrong, so that this woman doesn’t seem to be like she can be faithful. That’s a big worry for me.

And I am so broke that I’m stuck in the house because of the amount of mortgage that we are paying. We are paying a huge amount of mortgage alongside the car payment. So, it’s huge. My salary and everything are going into the payments of bills. So, I can’t even afford to rent an apartment outside, and I don’t even have a place where I’m going to go and stay. So, I am stuck, you know, I’m stuck.

What went wrong in my marriage? Why is my wife cheating again and again?

Is there hope for me? Should I leave this marriage?

What do I do? Because I know, yes, I love my wife, but I cannot trust this woman anymore. I can’t afford to be treated like the last option, go around and have fun with everybody, they come back home, and meet me at home as if I am just some helpless plaything. I can’t live like that, I value myself too much.

What do I do? How can I get out of this? Because was she supposed to be the woman I was supposed to get married to, and have peace? Or did I make a mistake? Like, I am confused, I am confused. And all I’m asking is for direction and strength from the Holy Spirit on how to handle the situation, what I should do, what steps I should take.

And push comes to shove, will I even meet somebody in the future who would respect and care, and be loyal to me 100% in the future? Will I even be able to have kids of my own? Because I even came to Nigeria and started the adoption process, just so we could have kids.

I had spoken, gone to, I came to Abuja also to, I went to a fertility clinic, I was preparing for all that.

Will I even have, because you know, I said, okay, push comes to shove, we’ll do someone’s egg, someone carry the child, use my own sperm, just so we could start having a family. Will I have kids of my own? Will I meet somebody else who would be the bone of my bone, the flesh of my flesh, and would have kids with me? Like, I am confused, sir. And that’s why I said, I’ve been reading your, your, your posts, you know, and I felt compelled to reach out to you, to reach out to the brother in shirt and in jeans, because I know you are close to God, and I know that God speaks through you.

Please help me, sir. I am confused, I am, my heart is worn out, I don’t have peace anymore, I don’t have peace.

PS: Many people do not realise how much being altered traumatizes the human mind and the changes this then does to individuals.

I know a man (Pastor)who was a faithful husband of over ten years until he and his wife went for a fertility test, and it was discovered that his semen was unable to impregnate a woman.

This man became a skirt chaser overnight

He was convinced his semen didn’t work with his wife, but that it would work with another woman, and he went all out to prove it

By the age of forty, he had six children from six different women

His wife, who married a humble, simple, hardworking, faithful christian was shocked at the speed of his transformation, which was overnight.

She said he was so angry from the moment they left the clinic that all the decisions he made afterwards, from leaving his calling, abandoning his marital vows, and becoming wild, almost made it seem like he became a complete stranger overnight.

Trauma alters people.

Some couples would fall out of love after a tragic event like a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or the loss of a child, and so on

In the case of the lady above, the removal of her womb made being married of no consequence to her

What would be the point of the marriage when she couldn’t have children? What would be her glory as a woman?

Another thing to consider is how she sees herself and how her husband sees her

A new lover would treat her normally, while her husband might be treating her with pity and looking at her as if she were a failure or a disappointment

We all know how, when we mess up in one relationship, we move on to another because we know the memory of what we have done would always colour the way we are seen, valued, or regarded in that relationship.

It is best for the two of them to part ways and for the brother to put the experience behind him as he forges ahead to build a new life for himself in the coming days.

Seeing a good relationship go sour hurts badly; however, the best thing to do is to take whatever lessons we can from such and move on.

-GSW-