She:

I behaved as expected of me in my parents’ house

I never had a chance to misbehave

My father was a Bishop and my mother was a Reverend

I had too much fear instilled in me

Even though I fantasized about a lot of things, I dared not act on them

I was like this until I met my husband

In a way, he was my parents’ choice

I didn’t mean it, as they chose him for me

I met him and brought him home to them, but I knew he was the one my parents would approve of

So he was really their choice

My husband deflowered me

Not on my wedding night, in fact, it was about three years before he proposed

We pretended to the whole church and both families that we were keeping ourselves until the wedding day

We were watched by everybody while we were courting

but we found several ways to be together

Is that not like a form of cheating?

I say this because my husband likes to say a lot of things about me, but I don’t think he is so different…

Anyway, let me go on

I took other lovers while I was engaged to my husband

It was my only way of expressing my freedom from a religious black site

I didn’t do it to spite my boyfriend (Now my husband)

I did it for me

I dress very conservatively and try not to provoke sexual exchange with men, but if any man I respect or admire had the guts to ask me to meet him somewhere so that we could have sex in secret, I am down for it.

Sometimes months go by without anyone asking, and sometimes in a week, three men would ask

Secrets make me feel very powerful, I mean, I know the things I am capable of and the calibre of people I am able to attract

Some of these men were very generous to me

I never asked a man for a cent before in my life, but I have gotten huge financial gifts and favours from the kind of men I rolled with

I didn’t swim in shallow ponds

Let me say categorically that my husband is not a saint in all these

His challenge is the kind of women he attracted

While I was attracting men of means, the ladies who flocked to him were the ones who only had nude pictures to offer

How is that my fault?

He was too broke to sleep with any of them, not that he didn’t want to, but if he did, how would he compensate them?

I shared that for the sake of context

I gave him my virginity on my twenty-first birthday

He was twenty-nine years old at the time, and the best he could give me was a handbag

On that same day, one of my other admirers gave me two hundred and one thousand naira

Another gave me an iPhone 6s Plus

He was the poorest of my admirers, but he was single, and he was the one who fitted into the mould my parents approved of without any drama

We got married, and I expected men would naturally leave me be

They didn’t

I wasn’t flirting with men or signalling to them in any way that I was available

They just kept coming

Even when I told some of them that I was married

They just laughed it off

So how is this my fault?

I tried changing my dressing and keeping to myself

I changed jobs and, at a point, resigned to start my own business

Do you ever get a sense of what will be, will be?

I mean, why fight what has been written?

So yeah, I started sleeping with some of them

It was not a long thing or a feeling thing

You know how you read that women don’t sleep with someone they don’t have feelings for?

That is a lie

A woman can sleep with anyone at any time if she wants to, just like men do

The society is full of all these constructs that make no sense

If you feel desired by a man, you can either match his desire or shut it down

It is that simple.

Anyway, my husband discovered by playing James Bond that I had been involved in relationships outside of our marriage

Mind you, this was a struggling man who, till now, could barely boast of having one million Naira in savings

We have been married for seventeen years, and this arrangement has worked perfectly for our union

He cannot meet my needs or the needs of the family without my support, but he wants exclusivity of relationship

I want a baby girl’s life, but he cannot give me that

I compensate myself or console myself by stepping out of the marriage once in a while

I never disrespect him or flaunt any man in his face

I kept my secrets to myself

I do not deny him sex at anytime even though he is not very good at having sex

He is saying he wants to do a DNA test for our four children

He wants to call a family meeting to discuss my infidelity

He wants to raise dust and howl at the moon

Suddenly, he is the victim, and I am the devil

Was I supposed to be trapped in his mediocre vision?

Was this not the length and breadth of the life he is offering me?

What is so special about his life at 50 that he thinks he has a right to demand faithfulness and loyalty?

I am forty-two, I have two houses to my name, while we still live in a rented apartment

Why rock this boat?

I am writing to you, sir, so that you can talk to him

He is a narcissist who thinks a wedding ring has given him the right to control my life and treat me like a child

The arrangement we have on the ground works perfectly for both of us

We are raising our children in a home we built

He gets to call himself ‘husband’, and I get to call myself ‘wife’.

He has unhindered access to my body anytime he so desires

If he wants to take a lover, I wouldn’t object

I know he would have taken one if he could afford it, and maybe he had even taken one in the past, which I do not know

Why disrupt this arrangement?

Why play to the gallery?

If we part ways now, what does he have to gain?

He needs to think things through

I am not begging to stay married to him

I am carrying him as a cross, just as I know he believes he is carrying me as a cross

We should both carry that cross till our old age, in my opinion

If he decides to do all these things, he is threatening me with

I will take the children. strip him of all the support he has enjoyed as a result of being married to him

He will have to live within his means, and I assure you

The kind of woman he would attract on his salary and the kind of life he would offer such a woman at his age would be pathetic

Please advise him to act wisely.

Thank you for your time, sir.

PS: Please read it at least three times before trying to make sense of it

Don’t rush into judgment mode

Read it slowly

Learn from it

PS: There’s a disturbing trend in modern marriages — countless married people are finding lovers and can’t seem to stop.

The emotional fallout and divorces keep piling up. The numbers are pretty evenly split between men and women. Let’s be clear: we’re long past the days when only men strayed while women stayed faithful. That’s the reality of infidelity today — when women decide to cheat, they often go all in.

When it comes to cheaters, regardless of gender, they generally fall into two categories. First, you have those who pretend to be devoted to their marriage while secretly juggling multiple relationships behind closed doors. These cheaters know damn well they’re betraying their partners. They know what they’re doing is messed up, but they’re hooked. They’ll always find some excuse to convince themselves it’s “just one last time” with their lover — which means there’s always a next time. Why? Because they’ve become addicted to the thrill of secret encounters, to that special rush they can’t get at home. Without some serious wake-up call, these cheaters rarely stop on their own.

Then there’s the second type — those who were never satisfied to begin with. They’re the ones who constantly pick fights, find flaws in everything their partner does, and can’t help comparing their spouse to other people. They love showing off their charm to anyone who’ll pay attention. But despite all their complaints about marriage, these cheaters still feel the same guilt. They still know they’re betraying their partner. The difference? They just can’t bear to let go of their lover.

These two types represent different styles of cheating — the covert and the overt. I call them flexible affairs and rigid affairs. The flexible cheater gets their thrill from secrecy. Since they haven’t been caught yet, they develop this “I’m getting away with it” mentality that only grows stronger over time! The rigid cheater plays a completely different game — they get more defiant when challenged, often driven by revenge. Eventually, they stop caring if they get caught because they’ve already prepared themselves for the showdown.

Of course, there are also hybrid cheaters who mix both styles — flexible when it serves them, rigid when they need to be. But this type is pretty rare, usually limited to high-level manipulators. The truth is, no matter what kind of affair it is, deep down, cheaters feel ashamed of their actions. Nobody can sleep with someone behind their partner’s back without some sense of loss.

So why do people keep cheating when they know it will devastate their partner? It basically comes down to three reasons:

First: Exploration

The urge to explore affairs is just human nature – a basic instinct. Most people have zero resistance when someone attractive comes onto them strongly. Women used to be more reserved, but many have lost that restraint. The concept of virginity used to mean something significant, but now it’s rarely discussed. Bottom line: it’s just easier to start an affair these days.

Second: Shifting Social Norms

Subtle changes in social attitudes have messed with many people’s moral compass. Add to that endless media glorification of infidelity, and marriage’s moral hold keeps weakening. Meanwhile, human desires keep expanding as the economy grows! When moral standards fall, and desires rise, you get this competitive atmosphere where more people think affairs are no big deal.

Third: The Gamble

More people are betting they can get away with cheating forever. This thinking comes from the simple fact that society doesn’t punish infidelity like it used to. To put it bluntly: cheaters rarely face consequences that match their betrayal. The cost of cheating keeps dropping while the promises from lovers keep getting sweeter.

That’s why divorce rates keep climbing. That’s why love has become about pleasure while marriage has lost its sense of commitment. That’s why people start cheating, knowing it’s wrong, but once they fall for their lover, they’ve pretty much lost their moral compass completely. The marriage rarely survives after that.

So here’s the bottom line: no matter how good or bad your marriage is, don’t play the affair game unless you’re ready to end your marriage. Because once you cross that line, you might not be able to come back.

-GSW-