He said: I have noticed a pattern of thinking from my wife from day one of our marriage

The same pattern is with her family members.

They disdain anyone who offers them help in their most dire hour of need.

They belittle whatever help the person offered, which they took and benefited from, and even though they would say thank you, and do all the kneeling down, or even make a painting as a gesture of thanks, or even inform people around to help them thank the person.

They resent the person deep in their hearts and do everything in their power to sabotage the person in the future.

This pattern was in her parents, and much later, I began to notice it in my wife.

When she was eighteen years old, her mother went to see the permanent secretary of a TV station to beg for a job for her daughter so that she could work and save towards her schooling.

The permanent secretary gave her the role as part of a group of three young ladies on the state’s radio station.

The role was freelance, which means she earns very little from the state’s pocket, but it gave her an opportunity to cover events, build a brand, and garner the necessary experience she would need to become a broadcaster.

She began to make money through endorsements, brown envelopes, and media hype for companies and celebrities on her show.

Within a short time, she landed gigs with radio drama programmes, newscasting, fashion shows coverage, and other forms of entertainment.

She made enough money to sponsor herself through school, own a car, and save a decent amount of money in the bank.

Her mother would say, “This woman she spoke with was the one who allowed her daughter to get into the system early and learn the ropes.”

A few months later, when the opportunity came for the governor to choose a commissioner for information, some staff members of the state’s radio station heard that the permanent secretary was being considered for the role, and they ganged up against the idea.

Their ring leader was my wife and her mother. It was not as if the man did anything to offend them.

My wife’s mother said, “Should he be her all the time? Is there no one else? She did GM, she became PS, and now she wants to become a Commissioner? Let her go and sit down, and let someone else do it. She cannot be the only one fortune will keep favouring!”

I didn’t understand the logic.

They would prefer a stranger to get the position rather than someone who was of benefit to them in times of need.

The woman did not get the position of commissioner; she spent three more years as the Permanent Secretary before she was retired.

In that three years, my mother in law went to talk to her again to help me get a job (I was recently engaged to her daughter and desperately needed a job), the woman took me to a privately owned Television station and got me a good job there without asking for anything in return.

When my wife saw the terms of my employment, she went to talk to the woman too about a change of job, and the woman took her to another privately owned TV station and secured her a good job as Director of Entertainment.

Of course, my wife and I named her the chairperson on our wedding day, and we presented her with a portrait with a thank-you note for all she did for us.

A few months later, there was a slot for LCDA chairmanship, and the woman was one of those who wanted to run for it.

She needed publicity and a good communications director.

She called my wife several times, but my wife refused to pick up.

When the woman called me, I obliged her and supplied her with everything I knew she would need.

When I got home, I told my wife this woman told me she had called her several times, but she didn’t pick up her calls.

My wife said, “Has she not eaten enough? What is she looking for in the LCDA chairmanship? People should not be greedy in this life.”

That logic made no sense to me.

Are we saying people should not aspire for the next level of greatness in life?

Did my wife not aspire to move from freelance to reporter and from reporter to newscaster and from newscaster to director of entertainment in a TV station, which gave her a voice in management meetings?

Is your own ambition valid while the ambition of other people is not valid?

I told my wife that her attitude of disloyalty is wrong, especially when you have personally benefited from the person directly.

My wife said, “Whatever she did for me, she did because God made her do it. If she didn’t do it, God would have used someone else.”

I hated this attitude, but it is what it is.

What led to our separation was her choices in the last general election

I know a lot of women are quick to open the door to strangers and enemies in the name of looking for viable choices or not doing things according to the norm, but in her case, I couldn’t stomach the behaviour anymore.

I never interfere in her choice when it comes to elections.

I believe it should be a private affair.

Her direct boss at the office, the man who has directly supported her career and backed her both financially and morally as she combined her master’s and PhD with her office work, contested for the position of governor of our state.

My wife and my family have been direct beneficiaries of the vision and generosity of this man for several years.

Election day came, and we both went to vote.

Later in the night, my wife came back home and boasted that she voted for one man

Which man?

She said she just felt someone should vote for someone else instead of the people who had been doing the politics and had already been established.

I looked at her in awe

I said, “You went to vote for a total stranger rather than your benefactor because you felt the stranger should get a chance to be governor, too?

She laughed and said, “Yes.”

I said “You are a moron, an ingrate and a dumb goat”

She said, “Where did that come from?”

I told her how her mother had behaved while we were courting, to a woman who was always there for her family and who was also there for me as a son-in-law.

I also reminded her of how she sabotaged the woman’s ambitions when the woman wanted to be voted in as LCDA chairman.

She even did a story on the woman at the time, which she pushed to another reporter to publish because she didn’t want the woman to see that she was the one writing bad things about her.

I told her I think she and her mother are ingrates who bite the finger that fed them, and it is never well for those who behave like that.

I really shouldn’t have said all that.

It was not a personal issue, but it just left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I did not know I had said too much.

My wife told her mother everything I said about the two of them and their disloyal mannerism. The next thing I know, I was asked to apologize in writing and also summoned to a family meeting at her mother’s house, where my parents must also come with me to beg her mother

I said I cannot do it, and she packed her things and left the marriage.

I told her when she was leaving that she should think about it several times because I will never come begging, and I will never take her back if she comes back begging

She said she would never return, and for that, I was grateful.

She was a terrible wife, whom I stayed married to only out of gratitude to her and her mother for their influence in getting me a job and helping me get on my feet in life.

Apart from that, I had spent every day of the marriage in misery and would have left long before the unexpected opportunity presented itself in the form of my outburst about her conduct.

Maybe she expected that I would repent and come begging, or maybe she expected my parents to pressure me to beg her.

When I met with my parents, I told them that the marriage had been hell, but I had endured it for seven years, and I was always on a tight rope.

I was never allowed to forget that her mother intervened to get me a job and that she married me when I didn’t have anything.

They were ingrates, but they wouldn’t let you forget something they did for you, which they expected you to be grateful for all your life.

My parents asked me what I would like to do, and I told them I would rather file for divorce and be far away from my wife and her family.

I explained the hell I had been enduring and why the argument that led to separation was the best because it is a smokescreen for the real issues in the marriage, which I don’t want to discuss or have to answer questions on before anybody.

My parents said they understood, and they counseled me to be patient and pray before taking any concrete decisions.

I am, however, surprised to get your phone call, as my wife said you should talk to me about reconciliation and things like that

It has been two years and five months since she left, and thot season has been the best in the last ten years of my life

I am not married to anyone, but I am already seeing someone, and she makes my heart glad like that river in the city of God

I have written to you this detailed reply so that you can understand why I am turning down your invitation to meet, so we can all talk

The magistrate’s court has officially set a date for us to come for our hearing.

That is the only meeting I am looking forward to at the moment.

Thank you for all you do, sir.

God bless you

 

Akinlotan Peter Aduragbemi

 

PS: Sometimes it is the deep issues that keep the surface issues in play.

 

-GSW-