I believe that mental (and emotional) toughness is the resilience that empowers us to not only move through life’s challenges, but also to thrive as a result of them. It’s what helps us keep our focus, perspective, and enthusiasm even when the days darken, so we can step even further into the light on the other side.

Below, we’ll discuss some of the behaviours and the beliefs of those who embody the resilience necessary to choose the life that they live, not have it dictated for them by others.

1: They keep things in perspective.

Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that I’m pretty even-tempered. I am calm, laid back, and relaxed. I don’t get easily worked up or stressed… at least, I don’t show it externally when I do.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t acknowledge problems or challenges, but instead, I keep them in perspective and allocate a proportionate amount of energy to them.

In other words, I don’t react at a level 10 towards a level 2 problem.

It’s natural for our mind to run away from us at times and create a story that easily spirals out of control. We’ve all experienced the “Web MD” effect, where you Google your cough and suddenly you’re convinced you have 3 hours left to live.

For many, this happens in other areas of life, too. That proposal at work is going to be 10 minutes late, and therefore the entire company is going to implode and go bankrupt. It’s all going to be your fault!

Odds are, everything will be fine, and stressing about it on an extreme level will only bring you more stress and more anxiety than the problem itself is worth.

At the end of the day, of course I believe that big problems are worth big reactions, but wasting that energy on small problems doesn’t do anyone any good…and only serves to make you more reactive, giving you less control over your emotions and mental state.

2: They practice patience.

“Anyone is capable of waiting around. That doesn’t require strength.”

Ah, dear reader, there is a big difference between just waiting around and being patient.

When you’re being patient…nobody knows you’re being patient.

It is, for lack of a better term, stoic.

Patience is rooted in the knowledge that what you’re waiting for is, well, worth the wait. That it has even more value because of the wait. That it requires the wait.

We all know that patience isn’t easy, though, no matter how “worth it” it’s going to be. This is becoming even more true as our technologies evolve. We can get our hands on more things, faster, each and every day.

Younger and younger humans are getting more and more access to instant gratification. It doesn’t take more than watching a child prod at the “Skip Intro” button on their favourite show or the “Skip Ads” button on YouTube.

I know…you do this while anxiously skipping through the episodes of your favourite Netflix show, too.

Does waiting through an intro require mental strength? Eh, not really, but I believe the challenges arise when we begin expecting to be able to skip through everything we don’t want in life in order to get to the good stuff.

This, simply, is not how reality works.

We find this a lot when it comes to relationships, expecting the biological and emotional reality of humans to have evolved at the same pace of technology. We still need to build trust, we still need for love to grow, and we still need to show consistency to each other over time in order to build a solid and healthy foundation with each other.

The same applies in our careers. We must put in the time and work to learn the skills, to gain the knowledge, and to master our craft.

There is no “Skip Intro” button on love or success. Those require just as much patience as they always have…and the results are just as worth it as they’ve always been.

3: They’re kind to everyone around them.

There is some strange backwards narrative in our society that kindness signals the absence of strength. I have always believed that the opposite is true.

It takes far more strength to be kind to others than it does to dismiss them, or take advantage of them, or ignore them completely. That’s easy. That’s…dare I say…weak.

Kindness requires us to be conscious of our actions rather than just flutter along through life, only thinking of ourselves.

In any circumstance, acting consciously and with intention is the more difficult choice, because it requires more effort.

It takes more strength to make decisions while considering others than it does to only consider ourselves.

We’ve all heard the saying: “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness,” but I believe we need to start saying: “Understand that my kindness is an expression of my strength.”

4: They are kind TO THEMSELVES.

This is a big one…bigger than we likely realise.

Being kind to others is of paramount importance, but what is non-negotiable is being kind to ourselves.

What does this mean, exactly?

It means forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, not spending days, weeks, or months wallowing in them.

It means giving ourselves permission to experience the full range of human emotions and not ignoring how we really feel.

It means acknowledging when we need a break to recharge and then actually taking it.

It also means proactively and consistently sticking to habits and routines that promote mental, physical, and emotional wellness…but we’ll get into that point a little later.

5: They maintain boundaries in their relationships.

Before you ask, yes, this goes for all relationships.

Boundaries are exactly what they sound like: Lines drawn around a territory.

That territory is your mental and emotional health.

The lines drawn are the treatments that you will and won’t accept into your life.

When you have strong emotional boundaries, you are clear about what (and who) you allow into your mental space.

If you receive a type of treatment you don’t approve of nor enjoy, it is your own responsibility to communicate that a boundary has been crossed.

Since mistakes do happen, a “second chance” could be considered, particularly if the offender did not know about the boundary before crossing it.

If, however, they are aware of said boundary and continue to cross it — that is a choice they are making to disrespect you, and it is your responsibility to protect your space by responding in a way you feel is suitable.

For some, it’s backing off of communication. For others, it’s complete removal from our lives.

This, of course, is a difficult ask considering some of these offenders may be an intimate partner, a coworker, or even a family member…

This is why mental strength is so important when maintaining boundaries. It is not an easy task to enforce them with people whom you love and care about…but at the end of the day, it is your mental and emotional wellbeing that must be prioritised above all else.

Don’t get me wrong…point #3 always stands in my book. I don’t believe that being harsh, or mean, or callous towards another person is necessary when enforcing our boundaries. We can be strong and kind, which makes us prouder of how we handled ourselves in the end and maintains a level of respect and decorum attached to our reputation.

Boundaries send the message that: “My mental health is more important than your toxic behaviours.”

6: They are intentional with their time and energy.

Mentally strong people know who they are and where they’re going in life (more on this soon) and therefore are clear on where and how their time and energy are best spent.

Life has a way of pulling us in a million different directions at once. Work is demanding, our staff is overwhelmed, our kids need us, our relationship must be nurtured, our fitness routine is gruelling, our chores and housework are piling up, social invitations are rolling in…

It’s natural to be overwhelmed and burned out at times, this is quite often part of living a full and vibrant life.

What is also part of it, though, is the requirement to determine the best places for your time and energy to go. To prioritise what is truly important to you, and gain the courage to put the rest aside until you are able to fully be present in it.

“But, I don’t want to let people down!”

People who truly matter and care about you are going to understand if you can’t make it to that party because you need to spend more time with your kids. If they don’t respect those decisions, it’s time to reevaluate why they’re in your life.

“But, I don’t want to turn down that invitation!”

I understand, believe me, but eventually the question arises of why you want to accept the invitation. Is it because you don’t want to offend the person inviting you? Or, would this event have a real and measurable benefit in your life? If it’s not something that will be positive for you or your family, there is no shame in politely declining to save that time for more important things.

You get the idea. The world is always going to be pulling at you, that’s just part of life. Mental strength, though, chooses where its finite energy and time are allocated, it doesn’t get batted around like a ball of yarn the cat’s gotten hold of.

7: They learn from failure, they don’t avoid it.

Failure sucks. Nobody likes to lose. Nobody wants to start all over again after putting in days, weeks, months, or years of their life.

Sometimes, though, failure is unavoidable.

The most successful, the happiest, the most thriving people that you’ve ever met have faced failure at one point (or many points) in their past.

They are where (and who) they are today because of that failure, though.

They had the mental strength to understand that it is not the opposite of success, but a necessary step along the journey towards it.

With that knowledge, they sought the lessons from their experience. They became more willing to take risks because the “monster in the closet” of failure had been revealed to them. They saw that, even when it looms, it can bring positives along with it.

Avoiding failure, while providing temporary comfort, also inhibits growth.

It does not bring you the necessary lessons about both the task and yourself that you can utilise to get better over time.

People who say “failure is not an option” don’t truly understand the concept of success. Failure is a necessity along the way and can serve to make you even stronger than you were before.

8: They prioritise their health and fitness.

It takes an immense amount of mental strength to gain physical strength.

The discipline, dedication, and consistency required to stick to a fitness routine is (as we all know) no easy task.

It is, however, paramount to staying fit, healthy, and active. A healthy body also helps to maintain a healthy mind, and vice versa.

Physical health and fitness look (literally) different for everyone. Some lift weights, others practise gymnastics, others still run marathons, or swim, or hike.

All of those people, though, will tell you that their physical activity is tightly intertwined with their feeling of mental health. Falling off of their routine has a negative impact on many other areas of life, as well. Conversely, sticking to it has a variety of positive impacts.

Discipline is difficult, but that’s what makes it so powerful.

9: They maintain forward momentum.

Life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. The only linear path forward is time itself, but the circumstances of life look a lot more like a “zig zag” than they do a straight line in one direction.

There is, however, a “bias” when it comes to looking at the story of our lives.

We’ll have setbacks, hit dead ends, and even be knocked backwards a few times.

If, though, you zoom out far enough and look at the path of your journey, the idea is for it to “look like” progress, whatever that means for you and your individual goals.

Mentally strong people keep this in mind when they get knocked down. They may sit there for a little while, reflecting, even feeling guilt or shame…but then, they dust themselves off and get back up again.

They acknowledge the hurt and the pain, but they refuse to be stopped by it.

They feel the feelings, but are not ruled by the feelings.

Just as a toddler falls, stumbles, and trips during the process of learning to walk, they never consider that “Hey, maybe this just isn’t my thing…”

They get back up every single time and keep moving forward… even if that forward motion is falling.

10: They DON’T feel entitled to or “owed” things.

Mentally strong people work for the things they want to accomplish.

“Are you saying privileged people are all mentally weak?”

Listen, I have no bones to pick with people who’ve gotten lucky in the lottery of life. They are just as capable of mental toughness as anyone else, and are just as susceptible to mental health challenges as anyone else, too.

My point with, well, this point is to illustrate that walking around as if the world (or the people in it) owe you something or that you are magically entitled to more than someone else simply because of a random set of circumstances (where you were born, what colour your skin is, etc.) will only cause frustration, pain, and displacement within this reality we all experience.

You’ll always feel slighted or screwed because you expected things to be one way, but reality made them another. The truth is that these “expectations” only existed in your mind, so the “real world” simply did not align with them, making you feel confused and angry.

Mentally strong people build their resilience through going after what they want and understanding what it takes. Expecting things to be handed to you will always result in disappointment.

11: They are inspired by other people’s strength, not intimidated by it.

This is valid in all areas of life, but I believe we often overlook it when it comes to intimate relationships as well.

Being able to look to those you admire with admiration, rather than jealousy, is a strength in itself.

It gives us the ability to learn from others, to be inspired by their achievements, to take lessons from what they’ve accomplished and apply them to our own lives.

It also empowers us to find a strong and capable partner in a relationship whom we can build a life alongside of and not feel “less than” while watching them thrive in their passions.

12: They stay true to their identity and purpose.

My two favourite words.

The words that my private clients hear during almost every session with me.

Identity: The way we define ourselves to ourselves. Our abilities, values, beliefs, behaviours, expectations, and self-worth.

Purpose: The reason(s) WHY we do what we do every day. The mission…the impact we are seeking to accomplish.

Seemingly simple, these are complex and dynamic concepts to become clear on. Who are we, really? Outside of our career, our family, our relationships…as an individual human being with our own unique existence? This is a big question.

Purpose is what drives us forward every single day.

In fact, many of my clients come to me because they’ve lost sight of the “why” that started them on their journey in the first place. It can cause confusion in multiple areas of life and make us feel lost, confused, or fuzzy on our path. It can spark questions around our identity, as the two are often intertwined.

This is why…despite how difficult and challenging it is to gain clarity around these things in our mind, to choose what we want them to be…it is paramount to our happiness and fulfilment in life, and also in love.

Our identity and purpose serve to guide us in all of the decisions we make every single day.

The ultimate showing of mental strength is when you stay true to your identity as much as you can, as often as you can.

If you can look back on your life and stand in the power of that realisation, it is the ultimate achievement.