When couples have issues, they take them to the pastor for resolution.

In some other climates, such cases are taken to a professional marriage counsellor.

For the record, professional marriage counsellors do not do a better job than pastors, and in the same vein, pastors cannot authoritatively claim that they do a more thorough job than professional marriage counsellors.

In most cases, people in the relationship are looking for a solution that makes their union more comfortable and helps them thrive while fulfilling their emotional, financial, physical, and psychological expectations.

The solution they are looking for does not really require a third party to find. It is obvious, and they could apply it if indeed both of them want the union to thrive.

The reason they have selected to consult with a third party is that one or both of them have chosen to do something that the other found difficult to accommodate, and he or she, or both of them, has refused to let such a thing go while also holding on to the relationship.

It’s like two people contributing the same amount of money to buy a car and also contributing the same amount of money to fuel and maintain the car on a daily basis.

As long as they both agree on where they are driving to, who is doing the driving, and the choice of a passenger or passengers in the car, and they abide by the set terms and conditions, they are both fine, and they do not need anybody to intervene in their affairs.

However, the moment one of them decides not to contribute towards the fuelling and maintenance but still wants to have a say in the location they can drive to, whom they can give a ride to, the number of passengers they can pick up, and also insists on driving or not driving, issues begin to crop up.

These issues could result in one of them refusing to get into the car while the other threatens to drive off without him or her or demanding that his or her contribution towards the purchase of the car must be refunded to him or her; thus, the issue of how much is to be refunded, what would it take for you to get back in the car, why are you not contributing to the maintenance and fuelling of the car, and so on may crop up, and for there to be a resolution, a pastor or counsellor may have to step in.

A pastor or marriage counsellor does not have a magic wand that would satisfy the two parties in a troubled relationship.

While a marriage counsellor would get paid for his or her services, for the pastor it is a thankless job that takes up his time, energy, resources, and more often than not, he gets to be blamed by either party at the end of the day.

I have restored a couple’s dead marriage before, and when I was done, one of the conditions the husband gave his wife was that she must leave our fellowship and never talk to me again.

I have also restored a couple’s dead marriage before, and the wife held a grudge against me for “siding” with her husband against her on the issue they presented to me, despite knowing that her husband was the guilty party. (She didn’t care that the husband had thrown her and her three children out of their home because she disrespected him for something he DID WRONG, and he had taken exception to the disrespect in such a manner that if he was not placated and BEGGED, she would have ended up homeless with her children.

If she ended up homeless, it would then be my responsibility to get her an accommodation and care for her children as the PASTOR.

A marriage counsellor is paid for his or her job, and he or she does not have to deal with the fallout of a divorce the way a pastor has to.

If I have to beg YOUR hard-hearted husband so that you get restored to your home even though he was the one who did the wrong thing, I WILL JOYFULLY DO IT.

There is a big difference between claiming right and having the right to claim right.

YOU can be right and still be the one to suffer the consequences of losing your home, children, stability and marriage.

YOU can be right and forfeit your right to being right in order to keep your life from being blown into smithereens.

The job of the pastor is to read the situation and navigate issues in such a manner that the best outcome for the husband, wife and their children is achieved, even if, at the end of the day, he gets nothing but blame for all his efforts.

The marriage counsellor gets paid and does not get involved.

The pastor does not get paid, and he cannot but get involved and invested until the matter is resolved.

One feedback I get often after a marriage or relationship counselling case is that I am often (not always) biased towards the men and often blame the women for whatever went wrong in the marriage and would side with the husband in my disposition.

I don’t do this ALWAYS, but I agree that I do it in a sense.

However, it is not what they said I did that I did; it is a matter of perspective.

If the man is the BREADWINNER, I cannot side with you, and you cannot blame me for not siding with you because you made it impossible for me to side with you. If he throws you out on the street, is it my house you want to move to, or didn’t you know that the responsibility for your welfare is now going to be on me as your pastor?

If you want me to side with you, please get a job and be financially independent.

I handled a case recently.

The lady accused her husband of not having strict boundaries regarding other women who surround him due to his job as a musician.

The husband got angry and said he does not want the marriage again.

The wife, who had been huffing and puffing, screaming, “I don’t want the marriage again, I want to leave, I am not doing the marriage again,” etc., suddenly looked at me and said, “I have nowhere to go now; can you ask him to give me a year?”

That was not the first time that had happened. In another case, the man and woman were not married.

She was living with him, and suddenly they had a disagreement. She insisted on having her way, and he said, “I am not interested in the relationship again”. Suddenly, the lady was asking me to give her two million naira to rent a house.

I had to beg the man. I mean, count the cost before starting a fight.

The genuine cases where nobody can accuse me of siding with the man would be domestic abuse, if he has an STD or STI, if I discover any form of wickedness or devilry, demonic manipulation or fetishism, etc. I consider such cases an emergency, and I act appropriately.

But if you want me to help you beat your husband just to satisfy your ego, and in my estimation this will mean that he will get beaten or locked up for one day but you will then become a liability to me and others for the rest of your life, the answer will be a resounding NO.

I am seriously thinking of transitioning into a Marriage Counsellor, so that I can charge some good money for my services and also walk away when things fall apart.

Being a pastor is a stressful, thankless, and sometimes debasing job.

PS: I apologise to all the sisters who believe I have taken sides against them in resolving their relationship or marital issues.

I also apologise to the ones whose cases I cited or wrote about one time or the other, either directly or indirectly, which didn’t sit well with them.

When I am done with my Marriage Counselling website and App, I will come back and publish the consultation prices and make forms available for those who will reach out to me to fill.

Until then, I am in Abuja for the GSWMI Northern Convention, which will hold on Saturday. I have been handling cases all day, and to the glory of God, testimonies are abounding with irrefutable proof.

You are invited to our Saturday meeting, or you can DM me if you would like us to have a chat (for free) about one issue or the other before then.