A few days ago, I had one of the most honest conversations I’ve ever had with an ex.
I call him when life gets especially tough. We know each other in a way no one else does.
We weren’t trying to get back together and we weren’t trying to rewrite history. In fact, we both agreed that it wouldn’t work between us.
Some wounds heal. Others simply become part of who you are.
Maybe we’re so honest with each other because there’s nothing left to protect.
Somewhere in the middle of that conversation, he said something that stayed with me.
“Men have insecurities too.”
Of course they do. It’s a part of being human.
However, the more we talked the more I realized that women are allowed to express their insecurities about weight, body image, age, hair, careers, and relationships.
Most men aren’t.
Not because men don’t have insecurities, it’s because they’re not allowed to express them openly. Some men feel like it would be used against them if they did.
My ex has a muscle condition in his right eye that causes it to drift off in various directions. He can’t do anything to change it. Naturally, it’s shaped how he shows up in life. How he approaches women, interprets rejection etc.
He coped with many of his issues through alcohol and substance abuse. Sometimes insecurity explains behavior.
Insecurities in Men
When people think about men’s insecurities, the first thing that comes to mind is the size of their genitalia
Research found that about one in five American men report dissatisfaction with their genital size, and many also report embarrassment discussing it with healthcare providers.
However, that’s only one of many insecurities men deal with.
What about the man who is considered short or whose hair started graying or disappearing in his twenties?
How has the man with a speech impediment, acne scars, an unusual voice, or a physical disability navigated through life? Or the man with a mouth or body odour? The one with a lisp or a local accent when speaking English?
Or the one with a poor command of the English Language?
What about the man that’s unattractive or average at best?
Many people never bring up the man that can’t produce children.
These aren’t things that can be easily fixed. They’re simply part of who someone is.
In fact, research shows that hair loss can have a significant impact on men’s confidence, self-esteem, and body image, especially when it starts early in life.
I remember walking past a couple of guys that were ogling a woman and one of them admitted that they aren’t used to getting compliments like women are.
As women, we often receive compliments from friends, family, even strangers. Yet many men said they remember every compliment they’ve ever received because they are so rare.
Maybe the deepest insecurity is feeling invisible and just wondering if anyone sees you at all.
I’ve heard many men say they are only appreciated for what they can provide, not for who they are. The feeling is real to the men describing it.
If a man has no money to provide, who is he? Will people still respect him?Will anyone choose him?
Those questions run deeper than money. They’re questions about worth.
Here’s another underlying reality at play. Some men understand there are hierarchies in everything. Especially among other men.
A wealth of evidence indicates social hierarchies are endemic, innate, and most likely, evolved to support survival within a group living context. While social hierarchies can vary in their specific details, there are shared, definitive features that can be discussed more broadly.
Some men naturally attract attention because they’re taller, charismatic, conventionally attractive, confident, and successful.
Others quietly watch from the sidelines.
They’re average, more reserved, overlooked and may go unnoticed. While every man doesn’t see the world this way, it’s a perspective worth listening to.
One thing I’ve noticed over time is that many men would rather show anger than hurt.
Instead of saying, “I don’t think she’d ever choose someone like me.” They convince themselves they didn’t want her anyway. Sometimes you’ll hear a man criticize a woman he doesn’t even know.
“She ain’t that cute.”
Sometimes rejecting someone first feels safer than risking being rejected yourself. At other times insecurity wears the mask of confidence, or indifference.
None of this excuses manipulation, cruelty, or abuse. People are still responsible for how they treat others. Understanding pain and excusing pain are not the same thing.
I think the main thing our conversation gave me was perspective.
It reminded me that two traumatised people can genuinely love each other and still lack the emotional tools to build something healthy.
Some of the loudest people are carrying the quietest pain.
Most of all, it reminded me that many men are fighting battles they may not be able to express. Maybe that’s why so many suffer in silence. Not because they don’t have feelings, but because they’ve spent a lifetime believing no one really wants to hear them.
Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with him?”
Let’s start having compassion and ask, “What has this man been carrying that he never felt safe enough to say out loud?”
Mandy