When you see any post on social media from a lady who uses “Dear future husband…” Whatever follows is wishful thinking. The ramblings of an idealistic mind, building castles in thin air. Do not take it seriously or judge the lady by it. Her idealistic thoughts when single would often give way to pragmatic actions when she meets and finds herself in love with her man. For example, I know a “Dear future husband” writer who stated that she would never cook, wash, or do any domestic chores in her relationship. On her long list were the following: 1) I will never kneel down to greet you or observe any mundane traditions regarding your family. 2) I will never treat you like you are superior to me; we are equals, and respect must be earned and not claimed 3) I would prefer that you are younger than me by between two to four years because all these older guys can’t see the world through a modern lens 4) I will not initiate sexual intercourse at any time during my relationship with you, and I will prefer you do not ask for it. I lose respect for weak men easily. So if it will happen, it must happen naturally. 5) I am a lawyer and I am working so that I can have my own money and meet my own needs, I expect the same of you and I am willing to share every expense so that at no point would you see me or regard me as anything but an equal. She wrote all these after a bitter breakup with her ex-boyfriend, whose mother refused to give consent to their marriage because she wouldn’t participate in home chores when he took her home to introduce her as his wife-to-be.
She was twenty-seven when the breakup happened, and the ex-boyfriend was the one who sponsored her through school with the hope of marrying her. She found it denigrating that she had to wake up early and sweep his parents’ sitting room, and also cook for them, simply because she needed their acceptance for them to get married, She meant her rules and enforced them strictly with all the suitors she met and dated after breaking up with him. She was a beautiful woman, and she never wanted for suitors; however, her relationships never led to marriage. Not for lack of proposals and even offers of relocation abroad from her suitors who were located outside Nigeria, but none of them really rang the bell for her, and she was unwilling to trade her independence for marital settlement out of desperation. Then she met this guy at the French village when she was trying to learn and master the language as a prerequisite for a particular role she wanted to apply for. He was seven years older than her, and he was very intelligent. The man was a divorcee but he had a good understanding of the French language and she was determined to learn the language quickly So she became friends with him.
When they were done at the French village, he invited her to his house and made her a proposition He said the house is lonely for him, and he needed company She would stay in the guest room and help him manage the domestic staff He proposed a salary, and since she was working remotely, it suited perfectly into her plans. He said she was his guest, not his staff, and the monthly salary was hers for helping to keep his staff in line because, since his divorce, he noticed they had been robbing him blind and doing whatever they liked. He also wanted the house redecorated; he had gotten an interior decorator, but he had no idea what he wanted, so she was given a free hand to handle the redecoration and revive domestic activities. It was strictly a business offer, and she took it She was not paying rent, not paying for internet, not paying for food, not paying for anything, and at the end of the month, she was earning additional income for her effort. It was a very good deal. The man was an architect and also into a lot of investments and technological innovations. He was very rich.
The first few weeks with him, she was cagey and skeptical that he must have something up his sleeve. Eventually, she realised he didn’t It was the staff members who gave her a lot of headaches They didn’t know how to treat her because their master did not introduce her to them as his wife. They know she was brought in to manage them, and they gave her a lot of attitude: The driver, the cleaners, the laundry guys, the chef… They found her to be overbearing, and they resisted her on every turn. Eventually, she asked him if she could sack them and employ new ones who would not treat her with disdain. He gave his go-ahead She sacked all the staff members. He gave her a free hand in choosing the new staff members and offering them terms of engagement, but she didn’t do it. She started washing his clothes herself, She would wake up early and cook his meals, She would drive to the market herself and shop for hours. She was not a very good driver, but he gave her a car to do all her running around, and she was able to use it to perfect her driving. Whenever she needed to talk to someone, she would go to his workspace and spend time with him. This went on for several weeks until she started bringing her laptop into his workspace so that they worked together in the same space. She introduced a mattress into the workspace after a while in case she wanted to take a nap or stretch her back. She introduced a TV set into the workspace for entertainment and relaxation. Eventually, the long office wear turned to crop tops and bum shorts One day, she asked him if he did not find her sexually attractive He said he did, but he didn’t want to ruin the relationship they had on the ground. He said it took him time to find his feet after his divorce, the long hours in the house alone were driving him crazy, and he didn’t want to rush into a relationship so soon after his divorce. The arrangement he had with her was perfect for him. She was a friend, a companion, a brilliant person with whom he could hold a conversation, share a laugh, and relate on the same frequency. She told him he was the most easy going person she had ever met No ego, no qualms, he let her be, and he respected her.
She said I have never cooked for a man before or washed clothes or go to the market or started thinking of doing things for him to please him, and yet I do these things for you from the bottom of my heart. At one point, she told him to stop paying her. She got cleaners who came to the house twice a week to clean and wash, but she remained the only resident of the house apart from him. Whenever he had business abroad, he would buy her a ticket, and they would go together because he didn’t like the idea of leaving her alone in his mansion. They practically were in the same space all the time. One day, they got to a hotel in Vienna, and the management of the hotel told them the second room that was reserved for her was undergoing emergency maintenance. She offered to share a room with him till the next day.
They got to the room, and he promptly fell asleep. The next morning, he was roused from sleep by her gentle hand all over his body. That was how they started having sex. She said it was what she wanted He said it was fine, but he didn’t want a relationship at that time. She said it was okay She also didn’t want a relationship, but she wouldn’t mind them completing the circle instead of either of them introducing a third party into the mix in the name of seeking sexual release. “I am a woman, I like to be touched. You are a bit detached, and that was why I told you to stop paying me, so that in your mind you won’t keep seeing us as a boss to an employee. I know we didn’t have that kind of relationship, but I think it was affecting how you see me. When you are working, look at me and smile. Come to my workspace and kiss my forehead, rub my shoulders, smack me, play with me, I promise I won’t bite.” He was not that kind of guy by nature. He told her I am not a tactile person; I don’t do touchy touchy, snuggly snuggly, and cuddly cuddly things. I like my space. She told him she would be coming to disturb him if he refused to disturb her. The relationship lasted for two years. She fought with everything she had to keep him She begged him on her knees and wept bitterly. She traveled the world tracing his steps just to once again lie in his arms and share the same breath with him. She eventually had to let go with a lot of pain in her heart. Why did the relationship end? His children from his marriage came over to his house for their holiday. He told her before they came over that she needed to get the domestic staff back into the house so that the house could run smoothly.
She refused to do so, claiming she could cope and use the opportunity to get to know the children. After spending a few days with the children, she came to his room one day and started venting. The children are not getting any training from their mother. They didn’t wash their plates after eating, and one of them even forgot to pack his plates. They waste water when they wash anything, and they are very untidy. Please send them back to their mother, and tell her she should train them properly before sending them over. Oh my Gosh! I cannot believe anyone can be happy having such things as children! He got to the sitting room and found one of his children crying He asked the child why he was crying, and he said the aunty verbally insulted him He called her and told her to get the domestic staff immediately. Obviously, she couldn’t cope, and both she and the children were suffering as a consequence.
Later that night, she came to his room and said “What is this, your obsession with the children. Send them back to their mother. She chose to leave the marriage without considering the consequences, so why are you helping her out by bearing all these burdens? You let their mother manipulate you because of your emotional attachment to them, and it has become your Achilles heel. At a point, you will have to man up and call a spade a spade. Can’t you just look away and start another family of your own? You cannot reverse the past, so I think you should let it go” He waited until the children returned to their mother and told her she would have to leave. She had thought things would go back to how they were before the children came around for the holidays, and was shocked that things were suddenly taking a turn for the worse. He told her whatever it was they had was over and gave her a month to move out of his mansion. She asked him what she had done wrong. He replied to her by saying “The fact that you don’t know what you did wrong is the reason this can’t work”
PS: You will hardly see men writing “Dear future wife”; it is always the ladies. When a man sees what he wants, he will spare nothing to get it. A woman never knows who will come knocking, therefore she must hang her hope and wishful thinking on the person being someone who will fit into her ideal, and not someone whose Ideal she will fit into. Eve was created for Adam and not Adam for Eve. She will have to fit in or stay out. She knows this. So all the “Dear Future husbands you read belong to a realm of daydreaming, wishful thinking, and idealism.”
-GSW-