Parenting can be a mammoth task that isn’t for the faint-hearted. Just because somebody can have a child biologically, it doesn’t mean that they’d make a good parent. Sadly, there are many terrible and incompetent parents out there who only put themselves first.
However, just because somebody might not be ready to have a child right now, it doesn’t mean that it will always be the case. People can absolutely mature and grow. Life circumstances can often change as well, making it more conducive to have a child.
This is why I’m against society pressuring people to become parents before they’re mentally ready. This pressure is much starker for women. Women are told that they should have a child in their 20s and early 30s, but in reality, at that age, many women are not ready.
Fertility varies from person to person, and not every 25-year-old woman is highly fertile.
Here are the signs that somebody shouldn’t be a parent. As I said, circumstances, behaviours and attitudes can change, but it’s not guaranteed. You shouldn’t have a child because you hope your feelings will change after you have kids. Make a decision on where you’re at in the present moment.
- Selfishness
Selfish parents can cause a lot of harm to their children. It makes me angry how some parents only care about their own needs and happiness, not their child’s. Selfish parents often disregard their child’s feelings. They don’t care about the child’s emotional, psychological or educational development.
Examples of harmful and selfish behaviour include being with a partner whom their children don’t like or who doesn’t treat them well. Some divorced or separated parents start a new family without regarding their child’s or children’s feelings.
Another example is parents who plonk their child in front of a screen or constantly ignore them because they don’t feel like interacting with them. They can’t be bothered to play games with their child or read to them because they find it boring.
It may be boring for you, but it’s enriching for your child. I work with children and even if I think some of the activities we do with them are boring, I feel happy that it makes them happy. For example, we took the kids to the theatre and watched a show that was boring for adults, but the kids loved it and that’s what mattered to me. I ended up enjoying it because the kids did.
If you only care about your feelings and interests, then you really shouldn’t be a parent.
- Not Liking Children
If you say you don’t like children, people will say it’s different when it’s your own. I don’t think that’s necessarily true. You may love your child, but love isn’t the same as liking.
Not liking children is pretty harsh. Yes, there are bratty and awful kids out there, but their behaviour is often down to poor parenting. Also, just because a child has a tantrum, it doesn’t make them unlikeable. Like adults, kids are not perfect—they have good points as well as weaknesses.
I’ve learnt that children can often misbehave because they’re not being given attention. If you don’t like children, it means that you don’t understand them or have empathy for them. If you don’t like children, you certainly won’t have much tolerance or understanding towards your own.
- Lack of Empathy
Unfortunately, I know people—both parents and people who work with kids—who don’t have much empathy for children. They expect them to get on with difficult, tiring or stressful situations without taking their feelings, needs and age into consideration.
They also expect certain children to cope because others their age can. Each child develops differently. For example, some start speaking earlier and some start speaking much later.
Children aren’t always being difficult on purpose. Some adults see their needs or feelings as inconvenient. They can’t put themselves in a child’s shoes despite having been a child themselves.
If you don’t have empathy for children, you won’t suddenly develop it once you have one of your own.
- Seeing Having Children Through Rose-Tinted Glasses
Some people don’t think about the reality of having children. They only think about cute smiling babies and sweet mini-me five-year-olds. They don’t think about the hard and disappointing parts of parenthood or the sacrifices and expenses.
These parents have a nasty shock when they realise having a child wasn’t what they signed up for. You can’t naively expect that everything will be wonderful and you’ll manage fine because it’s your child. Just because it’s your child doesn’t mean that you won’t want to weep from exhaustion or develop postnatal depression.
Raising kids is damn hard, and if you’re not prepared for the hardship nor do you have a plan of how to overcome these challenges, you’ll suffer and so will the child. Some parents end up disillusioned, resentful and, in a few cases, regretful because it isn’t what they wanted from parenthood.
- Not Feeling Maternal or Paternal
Not every man is cut out to be a father, nor is every woman cut out to be a mother, despite what society tells us. There are some women who don’t have a maternal bone in their body. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but please don’t have kids if you feel that way.
Some men and women aren’t initially maternal or paternal, but it can change as they get older. I was never maternal, but I feel I have become more so over the years. In an ideal world, I’d like to have a child, but I know that I don’t have the resources and would struggle to cope. It would be unfair on the child.
Even if somebody doesn’t feel maternal or paternal in the present, they shouldn’t have a child and expect that their feelings will change when they have a child. It’s like playing Russian roulette. Biology doesn’t always work that way.
There are many mothers and fathers alike who are terrible parents. They’re cold, neglectful, abusive, unloving and resentful towards their children.
- Not Being Ready
Don’t have a child if you haven’t got your shit together. If you want to party, travel the world or focus on your career, you’re definitely not ready. If you can’t even look after yourself, how can you look after a child? Just because you’re physically at your peak of fertility, it doesn’t mean that your mind has caught up.
It’s like in some cultures, where girls are expected to get married and have children once they reach puberty. It’s a perfect example of how the body and mind aren’t always aligned.
Even if you’re 25, you shouldn’t be a parent if you’re not ready for responsibility and a huge life change which can be a massive shock to the system.
You shouldn’t have a child if you don’t have the resources and means to cope either. In fact, you shouldn’t have a child if you don’t have any kind of stability.
- Not Being Willing to Prioritise Your Child
Sadly, many parents don’t always make their children a priority. For example, there are many parents who prioritise their career over their children. I believe that some careers are just not compatible with having children—for both men and women.
I understand that some parents want to give their children a better life, but being present is more important than money. Yes, having some kind of financial stability is important, but as long as you can afford the basics, being there for your child is more important.
Children will always cherish the time and memories they had with their parents. They won’t cherish the expensive gadgets you got them or the big house that you’re paying a hefty mortgage on.
They’ll remember the frequent evenings you spent time with them and read them their favourite bedtime story. They’ll remember the school plays and football games you came to. Sadly, children also remember the times when their parents weren’t there.
They’ll remember how their parents came home late every night after they had fallen asleep. They’ll remember every time their parents broke their promise because “something at work came up.”
- Not Being Interested in Learning About Children and Parenting
Many people think that parenting instincts come naturally; therefore, they don’t need to educate themselves on parenting. They think that they’ll figure it out naturally.
Parenting is a huge learning curve, and there are many things you have to learn along the way, especially if you want to keep your child safe and happy. Frustratingly, some parents put their child at risk because they think they know it all.
Some parents fail at parenting because they don’t understand children and the different developmental stages. For example, they don’t know how to discipline effectively or talk to children in an age-appropriate way.
There are parenting books and resources out there for a reason. Throughout the generations, people didn’t always get parenting right. Understanding of child psychology and safety has increased over the years.
- Technology Addiction
If you’re addicted to technology, chances are your child will also be addicted. I feel so angry when I see parents who are constantly on their phones and ignore their children. What’s just as bad is parents who use technology to occupy their kids.
I believe that too much technology can be extremely harmful for a child’s development. Relying too much on technology takes away that family interaction that children need.
Parents who are hooked on technology tend to be less present with their children. In some cases, they can even be neglectful. It’s very sad that there are parents who prefer to interact with their phone instead of with their children. They miss out on so much and, in turn, their children miss out.
Their language, imagination and social skills can be stunted. Technology addiction weakens the parent-child bond and reduces the quality time they spend together. Children can end up feeling ignored, unheard and frustrated.
- Expecting Other People to Raise Your Child
Having children is incredibly tough, and it really does take a village to raise a child. I absolutely think that parents should have as much help as possible, whether it’s paid or from family, friends or community. However, there’s a difference between help and taking advantage.
Some parents regularly palm their kids off onto other people because either they don’t enjoy parenting or they want to put themselves first. I absolutely believe that parents should have plenty of time for themselves, but don’t take the piss.
It’s not fair, for example, if a mother is always palming her children off onto her parents because her kids get on her nerves and she constantly wants to go out with her friends and live a child-free lifestyle.
Or some parents prioritise work and stick their kids in nursery or breakfast and after-school clubs from 7.30am–6pm. The kids end up being raised by other people and barely spend time with their parents.
If you see family, nannies or childcare as means to do as little parenting as possible, you shouldn’t be a parent.
- Having Children to Save a Relationship
Sadly, I’ve seen this happen first-hand, and the child always suffers. Having a child doesn’t save a relationship; it just makes any issues worse. It doesn’t make somebody stay or become more mature.
Many people who have a child to save a relationship aren’t ready to be parents and are very young. I know two young women who had children in their early 20s. They both wanted to save their failing relationships.
Sadly, the dads are not fully involved in their children’s lives. The mothers both have drama with the baby daddies. It’s not fair to bring a child into an unstable relationship where both parents are immature and where there’s always conflict.
Unfortunately, some people don’t think very clearly about the sort of person they want to be the mother or father of their children. They think only with their emotions and hormones.
Both of these young women I know struggle with parenting and rely on their mothers for help with raising the child.
- Having Children Because Society Expects You To
People have been having children for generations just because it’s what was expected of them by society. Some people still feel pressured by society or by friends, family or community to have kids. They often don’t question it because they believe it’s just what you do.
Choosing to become a parent is a major life decision and not something you can go through the motions with. Some people are just not cut out to be parents. Just because other people have kids doesn’t mean that you should.
Don’t have kids if your heart isn’t in it. Despite what society says, having a child is no guarantee that your mindset will change or that you’ll suddenly develop maternal or paternal instincts or feelings.
- Seeing Children as Accessories
Some people have kids because they genuinely expect to have a mini-me who will wear matching outfits and be an extension of themselves. They don’t see a child as their own person with their own interests and personality.
I can’t stand people who have kids (and pets) just to show them off and dress them up in fancy outfits. These parents don’t let their children be kids. They buy them expensive outfits and toys only to not allow them to properly play with the toys and get angry when the child gets the designer clothes dirty.
Some also turn their kids into dancing monkeys, forcing them to perform on social media or take part in competitions like beauty pageants.
It’s cruel and abusive. Each child is their own person. They’re not a doll or your clone. If you expect your kids to dress and behave a certain way and fulfil certain hobbies and professions, you’ll be disappointed and you’ll harm your kids psychologically. Buy a doll instead.
- Having too Many Problems
If you’ve got too many issues going on and you haven’t dealt with them, having kids really should be the least of your priorities. You should really focus on improving your situation.
For example, if you’re broke and a drug addict with severe mental health issues, choosing to bring a child into the world is deeply irresponsible.
A child will not make you better or solve your problems.
You can’t be a good and responsible parent if you’re battling serious issues. Depending on the problems you have, it could even endanger your child, especially if you’re unable to properly take care of them.
- Not Being Financially Responsible
While you don’t have to be wealthy to have kids, if you’re completely broke, have huge debts and can’t afford to keep yourself, you should not be considering having kids until you sort out your situation.
I believe that every child should have a good start in life. They should have enough to eat, a decent place to live and plenty of resources. Deliberately bringing a child into a world of poverty and deprivation is cruel and selfish.
- Thinking Love Is Enough
Love is extremely important, but by itself, it’s not enough. Love does not conquer all or make problems go away. You can love your child and still be a shitty parent. You can still cause them harm. Love is certainly not enough if you neglect them or are hardly present in their lives. Love is not enough if you can’t provide the basics to give them a good start in life.
- Expecting a Child to Fulfil Emotional Needs
Some people have kids because they’re lonely or they fear that they’ll have no one when they’re older. Some are desperate to be loved and depended on. They don’t seem to realise that kids will eventually grow up and want their own independence. These parents often struggle to let go and become overly dependent on their child.
I absolutely believe that family is important and you should regularly spend time together, but constantly relying on your child and not wanting them to have their own independent life is highly selfish. Some parents are unable to cut the cord and deliberately try to sabotage their children’s independence.