A Question I Never Thought I Would Ask

Dear Brother Gbenga?

At what point can I, as a man, walk away from a sexless marriage?

A friend was diagnosed with prostate cancer recently, and the news was seriously disturbing to me. He is a medical doctor and a serious believer whose marriage went into a coma about seventeen years ago.

The marriage produced only one child, a boy.

After the birth of the baby, the wife of this friend moved into another room, and that was the end of the sexual aspect of the marriage.

At first, it was believed that it was postpartum depression; later, it was postpartum trauma. Counselling from friends, family, and professionals followed.

Nothing worked.

My friend remained faithful to his God and his marriage.

At the time, I was unmarried, and I was thanking God that I was not in his shoes.

I got married in 2014.

Sleeping with my wife was war from day one. I practically had to “rape” her one month after our wedding because she refused to allow anything apart from hugs and cuddles.

Why do women who can’t have sex get married?

They said it was sexual anxiety or sexual nervousness or sexphobia…

How is this my problem?

Because I swore to a for better or worse vow in church?

If I were the one who was impotent, the marriage would have been annulled by now, and the woman would have remarried or be someone’s side chick.

I was expected to cope with this problem, which is not of my making in any way.

I have had sex with my wife three times in twelve years. That first time, which was a disaster. Another time, after she had gone through months of sex therapy, it also ended in songs of woe.

The therapist said it was something to do with her mind and not a physical ailment.

Wife pleaded for patience and understanding.

Another round of therapy with a lot of money spent. We tried again, and the result was the same.

I gave up.

Marriage has brought me nothing but tears and sorrow. I know I should have stayed single.

I buried myself in my work. Most times, I just sleep at the staff quarters and live like a hermit.

The news of my friend’s prostate cancer led me to do some more research, and the road led down to the same old path.

Sex is important for men to have.

I am married, and I am not having sex, sir.

I really want to leave this marriage, sir.

Can I leave?

Nobody stands at an altar thinking one day they will wonder whether their marriage has become a permanent friendship.

Nobody expects to spend years sleeping beside the person they love while feeling completely alone.

Yet many men find themselves there.

They stop initiating because rejection hurts.

They stop talking because every conversation turns into an argument.

They stop hoping because hope starts feeling foolish.

Then one day they ask themselves a question that feels almost impossible to say out loud:

“How much longer can I live like this?”

The answer is rarely about sex alone.

That is what makes this topic so difficult.

A sexless marriage is often a symptom of something larger.

Loss of connection.

Loss of affection.

Loss of emotional intimacy.

Loss of partnership.

And sometimes, loss of love.

The real question is not whether you are having sex.

The real question is whether there is still a marriage left to save.

The Conversation Men Are Afraid to Have

Many men feel guilty for caring about sex.

Society often sends a confusing message.

If a husband complains about a lack of intimacy, he risks being viewed as shallow.

As if physical connection is some optional luxury.

As if wanting to feel desired by your spouse is unreasonable.

But intimacy matters.

Research published in the National Library of Medicine has consistently linked marital satisfaction with emotional and physical intimacy.

Most men are not asking for perfection.

They are asking to feel wanted.

To feel chosen.

To feel close to the person they married.

There is a difference.

A huge difference.

I once spoke with a man who said:

“I could survive without sex. What I couldn’t survive was feeling invisible.”

That sentence stayed with me.

Because it captured the real pain.

The absence of sex was hurting him.

The absence of connection was destroying him.

A Sexless Marriage Is Not Automatically a Failed Marriage

This is important.

Many marriages go through dry periods.

Life happens.

Children arrive.

Parents get sick.

Stress multiplies.

Hormones change.

Mental health struggles appear.

Sometimes couples go months without intimacy and find their way back to each other.

A temporary drought does not mean the relationship is over.

The bigger concern is what happens after the drought.

Do both people acknowledge the problem?

Do both people care about fixing it?

Do both people still value the relationship?

Those questions matter more than any number.

A marriage can survive a difficult season.

It struggles to survive indifference.

The Moment I Realized Sex Wasn’t the Actual Problem

Years ago, a friend described his marriage to me over coffee.

He spent twenty minutes talking about sex.

Or rather, the lack of it.

Then he paused.

He stared into his cup.

And he said something unexpected.

“We don’t laugh anymore.”

That was the real issue.

Not the bedroom.

The marriage itself.

The friendship had disappeared.

The affection had disappeared.

The curiosity had disappeared.

The intimacy problem was simply the most visible symptom.

Many men focus on sex because it feels measurable.

It feels easier to count physical encounters than emotional disconnection.

Yet emotional distance often arrives first.

The bedroom just reveals it.

When Effort Exists, Stay and Fight

Every marriage faces problems.

The deciding factor is often willingness.

If your wife acknowledges the issue, communicates openly, attends counseling, or actively works on rebuilding connection, there is still something worth fighting for.

Progress matters.

Perfection does not.

Maybe intimacy improves slowly.

Maybe conversations become more honest.

Maybe trust begins returning.

Those signs matter.

A relationship can survive hardship.

It cannot survive two people who have stopped caring.

Ask yourself:

Is she willing to talk?

Is she willing to work on the marriage?

Is she willing to seek help?

Is she willing to understand your pain?

If the answer is yes, there is still hope.

Even if progress feels frustratingly slow.

When Every Conversation Ends in Dismissal

There is a difference between struggling and refusing.

One involves difficulty.

The other involves indifference.

Imagine saying:

“I feel lonely in this marriage.”

And hearing:

“That’s your problem.”

Imagine expressing your needs for years.

And being met with eye rolls, sarcasm, or complete avoidance.

That changes things.

Every healthy relationship requires mutual concern.

You do not have to agree on everything.

You do have to care about each other’s experience.

When one spouse repeatedly dismisses the other’s emotional needs, the relationship begins to erode from the inside.

Not overnight.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Quietly.

Resentment Is Often the Point of No Return

Resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as protection.

You tell yourself you are guarding your heart.

In reality, you are building walls around it.

At first, you feel hurt.

Then frustrated.

Then angry.

Eventually, you stop caring.

That final stage is the most concerning.

Psychologist John Gottman has often identified contempt as one of the strongest predictors of divorce.

Contempt grows from unresolved resentment.

Once respect disappears, rebuilding becomes much harder.

Not impossible.

But harder.

Ask yourself honestly:

Do you still admire your spouse?

Do you still want the marriage to succeed?

Or are you simply staying because leaving feels frightening?

Those answers matter.

Staying for the Children Is More Complicated Than People Admit

Many men stay because of their children.

That instinct comes from love.

It deserves respect.

But children notice more than parents realize.

They notice tension.

They notice silence.

They notice emotional distance.

They notice coldness.

A child raised in a household without affection may grow up believing that emotional disconnection is normal.

That realization can be uncomfortable.

The goal is not simply keeping a family under one roof.

The goal is creating a healthy environment.

Sometimes that happens together.

Sometimes it does not.

The Question That Changes Everything

If nothing changed over the next five years, would you stay?

Read that question again.

If nothing changed.

No improvement.

No renewed intimacy.

No deeper conversations.

No emotional closeness.

Would you still choose this marriage?

Many men avoid asking themselves this because they already know the answer.

The answer scares them.

Yet clarity often begins with honesty.

Not optimism.

Not wishful thinking.

Honesty.

You Cannot Save a Marriage Alone

This truth hurts.

Many men spend years carrying the relationship by themselves.

They read books.

They attend therapy.

They initiate conversations.

They make compromises.

They work on themselves.

Those actions are admirable.

But marriage requires two participants.

One person cannot create a connection for two people.

One person cannot repair trust for two people.

One person cannot sustain intimacy for two people.

At some point, effort must become mutual.

Without mutual effort, exhaustion replaces hope.

Signs It May Be Time to Walk Away

Every situation is different.

There is no universal checklist.

Still, certain patterns appear repeatedly.

It may be time to consider leaving if:

Your spouse refuses all conversations about the problem.

Years have passed without meaningful improvement.

Counselling has been rejected repeatedly.

Emotional connection no longer exists.

Resentment dominates daily interactions.

You feel chronically lonely despite being married.

Respect has disappeared.

You remain only because you fear change.

None of these signs automatically means divorce.

Together, they deserve serious attention.

Walking Away Is Not Failure

Many men view divorce as personal failure.

Sometimes it is.

Sometimes people quit too early.

Sometimes people avoid difficult conversations.

Sometimes people refuse accountability.

But there are also situations where two people genuinely grow apart.

Where one person stops participating.

Where years of effort produce no movement.

Leaving a relationship that no longer functions is not always weakness.

Sometimes it is an acknowledgement of reality.

A painful one.

But reality, nonetheless.

The question is not, “When should a man leave a sexless marriage?”

The question is:

“When does staying cause more damage than leaving?”

A sexless marriage can survive.

Many do.

The deciding factor is rarely sex itself.

It is willingness.

Willingness to communicate.

Willingness to understand.

Willingness to rebuild.

Willingness to try.

If both people still possess that willingness, there is reason to stay and fight.

If only one person is carrying the marriage year after year, a harder conversation may be waiting.

No article can make that decision for you.

No expert can fully understand your story.

But you owe yourself honesty.

You owe yourself clarity.

And you owe yourself the courage to ask whether the marriage you are protecting still exists in the form you remember.

Sometimes the answer is yes.

Sometimes the answer changes everything.