Dear Brother Gbenga, this is my second letter to you, and it is on the same subject as the first because I have found myself embroiled in a certain reality for the past few months, which I never planned or envisaged as an individual but which has been foisted upon me by circumstances. I am an obsessive planner but I have found myself reacting to survive and trying to make sense of the chaotic nature of the waters I was pushed into by my wife.
What made this worse was that, even after I had discovered what my wife was up to, she told me she had fallen in love and would prefer that we continue to live that way.
By that way, I meant, I should continue to be her faithful husband while she continues to be my unfaithful wife because she wanted the stability of the marriage and the excitement of her affair, and couldn’t see herself being happy with just one or the other. In all these, my feelings and choices were irrelevant to her.
About a year and a half ago, my wife began seeing another man.
What started as a connection developed into a romantic relationship. I did not see it coming. My initial response followed a familiar arc — disbelief, then shock, then anger.
Today, my marriage is in disarray. Like any engineer confronted with a complex system failure headed for separation, I have tried to make sense of it the only way I know how: by analyzing its structure.
This letter is an attempt to describe the topologies of affairs — the different relational structures they take — so as to better understand them. It is not an exercise in moral judgment, nor an argument about which sex is more prone to infidelity — both are. Nor is it an attempt to collapse all affairs into a single, undifferentiated category of “cheating.”
Finally, this essay should not be read as an endorsement of polyamory, which I view as one of the more misguided social experiments of the twenty-first century.
My working premise is that affairs vary widely in form, motivation, and outcomes. There are distinct patterns, each with its own dynamics and consequences. While affairs undeniably create victims, this piece does not seek to assign blame. At their core, affairs involve two willing participants — one man and one woman — and responsibility is therefore shared.
What affairs consistently contain, however, is a dense web of deception: omissions, lies, and promises that are rarely kept. In that sense, the harm tends to extend beyond the obvious. Over time, not only the betrayed spouses but often the participants themselves become casualties of the very structures they helped create. I also believe that affairs often carry an addictive component. People who become involved in them early in life may be more likely to repeat the pattern — whether as the one who strays or the one who is betrayed. There is a powerful element of thrill and novelty in an affair that can become consuming, even obsessive.
The reason for this is that the participants in an affair often do not fully understand their own emotions. Their feelings tend to shift and oscillate in response to the consequences their actions create. In that sense, an affair is not a static condition but a dynamic process — one with inherently unstable, and at times explosive, characteristics.
The simplest affair topology is what might be called the singleton model: a single external partner — either a man or a woman — engages in a relationship with one spouse within an otherwise intact marriage. A Singleton Topology is always a three-person game.
A commonly assumed version of this is the married man who becomes involved with a younger, attractive colleague. At home, his wife is focused on raising their children and managing the household. Over time, the passion that once defined the marriage has diminished, replaced by routines, responsibilities, and the practical demands of family life.
In contrast, the affair partner exists in a different context — one associated with travel, possibly work, shared experiences, attention, and renewed intimacy. She represents a version of connection that feels less burdened by obligation and more centered on desire and novelty.
However, this configuration is often structurally unfavorable to the outside partner. Despite the emotional or physical intensity of the affair, many men ultimately choose to remain with their spouse, prioritizing family stability, financial continuity, and long-term commitments. As a result, the affair tends to end with the external partner being set aside, regardless of the depth of the connection that may have developed.
The male singleton model refers to a configuration in which a single man becomes involved with a married woman, whether he initiates the connection or she does.
This pattern appears in several distinct scenarios. One common case arises when the woman is already dissatisfied in her marriage — whether due to emotional neglect, instability, addiction issues, or a broader breakdown in the relationship. In such situations, the external partner may represent not just romantic or emotional relief, but a perceived alternative path forward.
In other instances, material considerations play a role. The outside partner may see the relationship as an opportunity for upward mobility or personal advantage, particularly when the marriage involves significant financial resources. The woman is bored and looking for external stimulation.
Structurally, this configuration is more destabilizing to the marriage than many others. Unlike more contained or purely escapist affairs, this type often carries a replacement dynamic: the external partner is not simply an addition, but a potential successor.
As a result, these situations frequently escalate. When the emotional bond deepens, the likelihood of separation increases, sometimes leading to the dissolution of the marriage and a reconfiguration of family, financial, and custodial arrangements.
To Be Continued…