There is a curious double standard in modern dating: attention is considered a basic human need when a woman wants it but a sign of weakness when a man asks for it.

She can expect him to text first, plan dates, initiate affection, notice when something is wrong, and reassure her that she’s desirable. But when he wants the same enthusiasm in return, suddenly he’s needy, insecure, or asking for too much.

Apparently, romance is supposed to operate like a luxury hotel. She receives room service, complimentary reassurance, and personalised attention. He should be grateful if the Wi-Fi works.

Of course, plenty of women give affection generously and appreciate the effort their partners make. This isn’t about them. It’s about the particular breed of entitlement that treats a man’s attention as a permanent resource while treating his need for affection as an embarrassing administrative error.

The double standard isn’t that women want attention. It’s that some expect to receive it without having to reciprocate it.

Consider the familiar dating ritual. He sends the ‘good morning’ text. He asks how her day went. He remembers the little details, checks whether she got home safely, and makes plans because he wants to see her. If he stops initiating, she notices almost immediately.

“He’s changed.”

“He’s losing interest.”

“He doesn’t make an effort anymore.”

Fair enough. A sudden decline in affection can signal a real problem. But has she asked herself whether she’s been making an effort, too? Has she initiated a conversation just because she wanted to hear his voice? Has she planned a date, complimented him without being prompted, or made him feel wanted rather than merely accepted?

Or has she mistaken his consistent effort for a natural law, like gravity or taxes?

Some people become so accustomed to receiving affection that they stop recognising it as something another person actively chooses to give. His effort becomes the baseline. Anything above it is expected, and anything below it is a personal betrayal.

The tragedy is that the more consistently he shows up, the less impressive showing up becomes.

He can spend months demonstrating that he cares, but one quiet evening suddenly carries more weight than all the previous evenings combined. Human memory is a fascinating thing when disappointment gets to edit the footage.

A man can be expected to prove his interest indefinitely, while a woman may assume hers is obvious simply because she hasn’t left.

This becomes especially ridiculous when emotional games enter the picture.

Some women deliberately withhold affection to see whether a man will chase them. They take longer to reply, act indifferent, or become mysteriously unavailable because they want to know how much he cares. If he pursues harder, they feel validated. If he backs away, they conclude that he never cared enough.

It’s a brilliant experiment if your goal is to create the very insecurity you later complain about.

Imagine deliberately making someone uncertain about your interest, then criticising him for becoming uncertain about your interest. That’s not a test of love. It’s a test of how long someone will tolerate confusion before deciding they’d rather have a peaceful evening alone.

And yet, men are frequently told that they should be confident, emotionally secure, and unaffected by rejection. Those qualities are attractive, until confidence means he doesn’t chase someone who repeatedly demonstrates disinterest.

Then he’s arrogant.

He’s supposed to pursue, but not too much. Care, but never appear to need reassurance. Make his intentions clear, but somehow know when to stop trying without being told. Be emotionally available, but never let her see that her behaviour has actually affected him.

At some point, dating begins to resemble an examination written by someone who refuses to provide the syllabus.

You cannot demand to feel wanted while making the other person feel unwanted.

The same principle applies to compliments and physical affection. A woman might expect her partner to tell her she’s beautiful, initiate intimacy, and make her feel desirable. Those are perfectly reasonable things to want in a relationship. But if she rarely compliments him, dismisses his attempts at affection, or treats his insecurities as unattractive, she cannot reasonably expect him to remain an endlessly replenished source of romantic energy.

Men want to feel attractive, too. They want to know that someone is excited to see them, enjoys touching them, appreciates their appearance, and chooses them deliberately. A man’s desire to feel wanted doesn’t magically disappear because society has taught him to disguise it as confidence.

He may not ask for reassurance in the same language, but that doesn’t mean he has no need for it.

And if he does express that need, he shouldn’t have to worry that the admission will later be used against him. There is something deeply unfair about encouraging men to open up emotionally, then treating their emotional needs as evidence that they’re less masculine.

You cannot advertise emotional intimacy and then complain when another human being arrives with emotions.

The solution isn’t to keep score over every text or demand that each person initiate exactly half the time. Relationships aren’t spreadsheets, and there will be periods when one partner needs to give more than the other. The solution is mutual awareness: both people should care whether the other feels appreciated, desired, and emotionally secure.

If she wants him to make her feel special, she should consider whether he feels special to her. If she wants him to initiate, she can initiate sometimes. If she wants reassurance, she can offer it without waiting for him to request it. If she wants a man who makes an effort, she should make an effort herself.

Not because affection is a transaction, but because reciprocity is how you prevent love from becoming a one-person performance.

A healthy relationship doesn’t require one person to audition forever while the other sits in the audience deciding whether the performance deserves applause.

Both people should be able to put the phone down, stop playing games, and say what they actually want.

Because the right partner shouldn’t leave you wondering whether you’re desirable enough to pursue or valuable enough to appreciate.

And if someone needs you to chase them constantly just to feel important, they may not be looking for love as much as they’re looking for proof that they can make you run.

There’s a difference between being wanted and being made to beg for the privilege of wanting someone.

One builds intimacy.

The other builds an ego.

And only one of those things makes a relationship worth staying in.