Why the Numbers Don’t Add Up

 

Look around today, and you’ll see the cracks in our marriage model. More women are single than ever. More men are frustrated and lonely. Families are fractured, and the questions keep coming:

 

“Why are so many women single?”

“Where are all the good men?”

 

The answer isn’t that complicated. It’s math.

 

Hypergamy and Hypogamy: Two Natural Instincts

 

Most women are hypergamous—they desire to “marry up.” A man with higher status, wisdom, strength, and provision. This isn’t shallow—it’s biological, social, and God-designed.

 

Most men, on the other hand, are hypogamous. We’re drawn to women who are younger, more feminine, and less experienced. Again, this is natural.

 

But when you enforce monogamy-only across the whole society, those instincts collide in a way that simply doesn’t work.

 

Millions of women are chasing the top 10–20% of men.

The bottom 80% of men are ignored or rejected.

And the high-value men? They can’t marry more than one woman—even if they’re able and willing.

 

The result? Broken math. Broken hearts. Broken families.

 

Women Already Share Men, They Just Don’t Get the Benefits

 

Let’s be honest about modern dating.

Many women today are involved with men who are simultaneously involved with several women.

But there’s no honesty about it.

No covenant. No protection. No household.

Just competition.

 

Instead of secret girlfriends and situationships, why can’t such men be allowed the freedom to date women who are also wired like the men, or who belong in the same set as them, and are willing to live in honesty and transparency instead of cheating on each other

 

• commitment

• leadership

• family structure

• shared legacy

It turns chaos into covenant.

 

There Aren’t Enough Godly Men To Go Around

 

This is one of the most ignored realities in the church today.

There are millions more women than men in churches all over the world.

Many of the men who are present are:

• already married

• spiritually immature

• not ready to lead a family

So what advice do women usually receive?

“Just wait on the Lord.”

But for many women, the real options become:

• remain single forever

• marry a man who doesn’t share their faith

• marry a godly man who already has a wife

Polygyny isn’t about being second.

It’s about not being excluded from marriage altogether.

 

Creates a Redemptive Path for Single Mothers

The Christian world is producing baby mamas and single parents so rapidly nowadays because women who have waited for many years to get a husband without any success are now choosing to become single mothers before it is too late to have both. They do this medically, or they just look for a man to impregnate them while electing to care for the child and give the child their own surname.

One of the biggest social crises in the modern world is fatherless homes.

Nearly one in three children grows up without a father.

Government programs can’t replace a father.

Social media empowerment slogans can’t replace a father.

But a godly household can.

Removing the stigma and religious blockade would allow single mothers to get married and provide a path into stable families where children can grow up with masculine leadership, structure, and protection.

That isn’t exploitation.

That’s restoration.

 

4. It Rescues Women From the “Strong and Independent” Trap

Modern culture tells women the highest goal is independence.

Career.

Grinding alone.

Handling everything yourself.

But ask many women privately, and you’ll hear something different.

They’re exhausted.

Biblical marriage was never meant to be a solo survival project.

Proverbs 31 describes a woman building a household inside a larger structure.

Freedom to love allows women to cooperate rather than compete.

Shared responsibilities.

Shared vision.

Shared legacy.

 

5. The Real Objection Is Ego

When some people object to the freedom to love, they often say:

“I want to be the only one.”

You can be if you and your partner are monogamous by nature.

Another person who is expressing his or her freedom to love would be accommodating of others.

 

6. It Multiplies Stability

Most modern families are barely surviving.

Two parents working full-time. Children raised in daycare. Constant financial pressure.

That isn’t legacy.

That’s survival mode.

Imagine multiple adults contributing to the household.

Shared childcare.

Shared responsibilities.

Shared financial stability.

Instead of two exhausted people trying to do everything, the household becomes a team.

 

Contrary to your assertion, sir, I am not advocating advanced hookups or irresponsible sexual behaviour. I am asking us to allow people to be true to their own nature. They are already doing what they have to do to survive or cope with life in their own little worlds anyway.

 

People have different orientations toward relationships. Some people experience love, attachment, and connection in a way that is different than how others experience them.

Some people have the capacity and willingness to form multiple meaningful romantic bonds with honesty and consent. But that does not automatically mean a person must practice it.

 

Such a person can still choose to be in a monogamous relationship. People make that choice all the time — sometimes out of love, sometimes out of circumstance, sometimes because their partner prefers monogamy. And that choice is valid. But for many other people, living within a strictly monogamous structure can sometimes feel like having to ignore or suppress a natural part of how they experience connection.

It can feel like constantly filtering yourself. Disqualifying potential relationships before they even have the chance to exist. Closing doors that you know you could have opened.

Not because those relationships would harm your existing one, but because the structure you agreed to requires those possibilities to remain unexplored.

And that tension is something many people quietly navigate.

 

When you strip away all the labels and misunderstandings, this is simply a philosophy of relationships built on a few core ideas: autonomy, transparency, consent, and emotional responsibility.

It is the belief that love does not have to be restricted to a single connection in order to be meaningful. It is the belief that people are not possessions.

And it is the belief that relationships should be built intentionally — not simply inherited from cultural defaults.

But just because someone resonates with these ideas does not mean they are required to live their life one specific way.

 

Some people realize monogamy suits them best. Some people discover that polygamy suits them best. It is not one size fits all. Like I pointed out earlier, half the world is practising polygamy and has been doing so since the beginning. The West is not better than Dubai, UAE, Saudi Arabia, and other nations that practise this. The population in Northern Nigeria is greatly helped by polygamy, while monogamy has shrunk Latvia to the point that its women are now openly fighting just to have a man spend the night with them.

 

Nowadays, we have other kinds of relationships that have evolved as coping mechanisms because nature abhors a vacuum. Polyamory, polygyny, polygamy, polyandry, hypergamy, Hypogamy, casual dating, extensationship, Nanosecond relationships, Sneaky link, Relationship anarchy, cohabitation, friendship marriages, swinging, friends with benefits, situationship, Benching, Breadcrumbing, open relationship, ghistlightning, zombieing, cuffing season, love bombing, slow dating, Baby Mama, single parenthood, to mention a few.

 

This proves that people are still doing what they desire. They will continue to do what works for them, whether in secret or in the open. Monogamy is not for everybody.

 

Someone can be practicing one of the above and choose to remain in a monogamous relationship out of love and commitment. Some people move fluidly between relationship structures at different stages of their lives.

 

And some people build deeply fulfilling polyamorous relationship networks. There is no single correct answer.

 

Brother Gbenga, you are neither right nor wrong, and I admit that I am neither right nor wrong, too, as far as the issue of what genuine love, connection, romance, relationships, and sexual orientation is concerned.

 

What matters is not which structure you choose. What matters is whether the structure you live in is chosen consciously, rather than followed automatically.

Because relationships — like any meaningful part of life — deserve reflection. They deserve intention. They deserve honesty.

And most importantly, they deserve freedom. Freedom to understand yourself. Freedom to understand the people you love. And freedom to build the kind of connections that actually reflect who you are.

 

There are no right or wrong answers here.

Only honest ones.

And sometimes, the most important thing we can do is simply give ourselves the space to ask the questions.

 

Thank you for your time, sir, and thank you for not thrashing my thoughts or losing patience with me.

 

Marissa Nyang-Brown.

Maryland, USA.

 

PS: I had a lecturer when I was at the University

 

He will ask a difficult question in class.

 

If he calls your name and you reply by saying “No Idea. sir”

He will send you out of his class.

 

He will say, “A bad idea is better than no idea.”

 

-GSW-